Chapter 1 - "Bumps, Blunders, and a Bed at Last"

As Anthony Bourdain once wisely said, “Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. But that’s okay. The journey changes you.” Well, after being rudely yanked from sleep for the 200th time by yet another bone-rattling lurch of our trusty Toyota on the way to Manas National Park, Assam, I finally got what he meant—on a deeply personal, mildly traumatic level. Peering out into the pitch-black nothingness, I questioned my life choices. Was I on a thrilling adventure? Or had I unknowingly signed up for a long-haul roller coaster ride disguised as a road trip? Either way, sleep was clearly not on the itinerary.

 

Our trip to Manas was a milestone for me—it was my first-ever visit to a national park in India. Which is ironic, considering I spent the first 25 years of my life in this country without even realizing such places existed! Apparently, I had to move to the U.S., get dazzled by Yellowstone and Grand Teton, and THEN come back to India to finally appreciate its wild side.

 

Growing up, my idea of a forest was straight out of a Discovery Channel special—dense, tropical, and buzzing with life. Think tigers lurking in the shadows, rhinos stomping through the underbrush, alligators sunbathing like lazy tourists, snakes slithering ominously, and of course, an enthusiastic cast of colorful birds, exotic flowers, and nightmare-inducing insects.

 

Before Manas, my Indian wildlife adventures had taken me to the breathtaking Dooars and the Sundarbans—the world's largest river delta. While the lush greenery was mesmerizing, the stark contrast of natural beauty and surrounding poverty stayed with me. I had a strong urge to wander deeper into the forests and engage with the local communities, but my travel companions and guides quickly shut that down. Their reasoning? Something about it being "too unsafe." I’m still not sure if they meant the wilderness, the locals, or just my general ability to make questionable life choices.

In Dooars, we had what I like to call a “heart-pounding but from a safe distance” kind of wildlife encounter with a herd of elephants. From the comfort of our trusty Jeep, we watched in awe as the gentle giants gracefully crossed the road like they owned the place (which, technically, they did). The matriarch, bringing up the rear, stopped briefly, gave us a single, knowing glance—the kind only an elephant or a disapproving grandma can pull off—and then disappeared into the forest.

 

The Sundarbans, on the other hand, was less Jurassic Park and more luxury houseboat edition. We stayed on a large steamer anchored in the Ganges, decked out with all the modern comforts—running water, chef-prepared meals, and absolutely zero concern for the wildlife around us (at least from my fellow travelers). While they sipped chai and casually ignored nature, I was slowly losing my mind over the lack of action. Sure, there were monkeys swinging around, but I wasn’t here for the B-team—I wanted the main event: the Royal Bengal Tiger.

 

Then came my golden opportunity. The boat’s chef and a guide spotted a tiger swimming across the river like it was training for the Olympics. Ignoring my mother’s exasperated pleas to “behave like a proper woman” (whatever that meant in a situation involving a swimming apex predator), I leapt into a tiny dinghy with the two brave men. Did I think this through? No. But was it worth it? Absolutely. We managed to catch a brief, glorious glimpse of the tiger’s massive head cutting through the water before it vanished into the jungle, leaving behind only ripples in the river and a lifelong bragging right for me.

 

With these two blink-and-you-miss-it wildlife encounters still fresh in my mind, I decided to up the ante with a trip to Manas and Kaziranga. Naturally, I assembled the ultimate adventure squad:

• My ever-critical husband, who treats every trip like a personal audit.
• My indifferent teenage son, who would rather be anywhere else (preferably with WiFi).
• My carefree brother-in-law, who goes with the flow—sometimes to questionable destinations.
• His social media influencer wife, whose main goal was to make the jungle aesthetic enough for Instagram.
• And their lively 6-year-old daughter, whose energy levels put caffeine to shame.

 

With this chaotic ensemble, I wasn’t sure if we were heading for a wildlife safari or a reality show, but either way, I was ready!

The three of us flew in from the U.S., ready to kick off our grand adventure. The plan? Meet my brother-in-law’s family at Guwahati Airport, where we’d also rendezvous with our guides for the next seven days of jungle exploration in Manas and Kaziranga.

Enter Aniruddha and Chonchal—our two Assamese guides, both in their late twenties and full of cheerful energy. Aniruddha was all business, but Chonchal had an infectious smile that instantly put me at ease. (Note to self: If we get lost in the jungle, follow the guy with the good vibes.)

 

After some quick introductions, they laid out the plan for the day: a four-hour drive from Guwahati to Manas, with a much-needed lunch stop along the way. Manas, a UNESCO World Heritage Site, gets its name from the Manas River, which doubles as the India-Bhutan border (fancy, right?). The park is a VIP lounge for wildlife, home to the one-horned rhinoceros, leopards, tigers, elephants, and an impressive guest list of exotic birds, including hornbills. Armed with this knowledge and an ever-growing excitement, we buckled up and braced ourselves for whatever wild (literally) adventures lay ahead!

 

Chonchal, ever the bearer of both good and mildly alarming news, informed us that while our journey would start smoothly on well-maintained highways, things would take a dramatic turn for the worse as we got closer to Manas. In fact, some stretches would lack actual roads altogether. (Ah, the classic “road trip without roads” experience!). To avoid arriving at an ungodly hour (and possibly in need of a chiropractor), we needed to hit the road ASAP. So, we loaded up into our chariots (SUV)—and set off.

 

The highways in Guwahati? Surprisingly impressive. Wide, smooth, and bustling, they serve as a major trade corridor between China and the rest of India. It almost felt like we were cruising down an expressway… until we weren’t.

Within minutes of setting off, we crossed the mighty Brahmaputra River, the ninth-largest river in the world and, quite possibly, the most dramatic traveler—born in Tibet, it flows through China and India before finally settling down in Bangladesh (talk about a long commute!). The scenery was stunning—crisp air, clear skies, and a noticeable lack of pollution, which, in India, felt like winning the lottery.

 

After crossing the river, I decided to chat with our driver, Chonchal—part-time guide, full-time mystery man. I quickly learned that he was newly married but spent most of the month away from home, guiding tourists across Northeast India. He lived near Kaziranga, our next destination, and though he wasn’t the chattiest person, he had an honest, easygoing vibe—the kind of guy you'd trust to lead you through a jungle (which, thankfully, he was about to do).

 

He shared that he genuinely enjoyed his work and earned enough to support his mother, two younger siblings, and his wife. But despite his love for the job, it was clear—he missed home. Which, honestly, was understandable. If I had to spend weeks babysitting wide-eyed tourists like us, I’d miss home too.

 

One of the biggest reasons I travel is to connect with people and cultures—to see firsthand how, at the end of the day, we’re all more alike than different. No matter where we’re from, we all hustle to survive, chase a decent life, and perfect the art of pretending we’re fine in professional settings.

 

Meanwhile, my teenage son could not care less. He was fast asleep, dead to the world, completely missing my profound moment of human connection. As a middle-class kid from a developed country, he had yet to grasp the magic of engaging with different cultures—or why staying awake might help with that. Understanding others is key to making the world a better place, but for now, he remained blissfully unaware—curled up in the front next to the driver, dreaming of WiFi and snacks.

 

Chonchal switched to listening to Bollywood music from the ’70s and early ’80s—a subtle sign that he wasn’t quite ready to continue chatting with his client. Bollywood, often called India’s version of Hollywood, is one of the largest film industries in the world. While Indian cinema spans multiple languages, Bollywood primarily produces Hindi films, known for their vibrant musical numbers and elaborate choreography. In 2022, it accounted for 33% of India’s box office revenue, reflecting its massive influence on the country’s entertainment landscape.

 

After about an hour and a half of driving, we pulled over for lunch at a humble little roadside eatery serving the basics of Assamese/Bengali cuisine—rice, roti (Indian bread), daal (lentils), vegetable fries, fish curry/mutton kasha (goat stew), and mishti (sweets). It was simple, but boy, was it satisfying. A perfect start to our vacation, where we could all pretend, we didn’t mind the lack of gourmet options.

 

We took our sweet time, casually chatting about anything and everything, while my son sat in his own world of existential crisis—because there was no burger in sight. Still, he managed to choke down the meat and roti combo with minimal whining, which felt like a small victory for us all.

 

After the meal, we lingered around the eatery, soaking in the local vibes. And because I’m always on the lookout for a new friend (pun intended), I found a stray dog to pet. Naturally, we bonded over the shared experience of not being able to communicate, yet still managing to form a perfect friendship.

 

Stray dogs are common in India, and unfortunately, they’re often among the most abused animals. Despite this, they’re usually very friendly, and their breed is one of the oldest, dating back over 4,500 years. These medium-sized, lean, athletic dogs have short coats in shades of brown, black, and white, with pointed ears and long, curvy tails. They’re known for their loyalty, intelligence, adaptability, and being among the hardiest dogs I know. Growing up, my brother and I would rescue them, care for their injuries, and feed them, despite our parents' objections. My love for dogs began at a young age, and I quickly realized that they are truly the best companions. The dog I was petting reminded me of my best pal Pluto, at home, a rambunctious Weimaraner and I found myself missing him a lot.

 

After lunch, my ever-impulsive brother-in-law suddenly had an idea—why not take a detour to Goalpara? A tiny town near Guwahati that, according to his Assamese colleagues, was a must-visit for its authentic local charm. Sounded great! Except for one tiny detail—the detour would tack on at least four extra hours to our trip. So, we did what any democratic family would do—we voted! My teenage son abstained (because, well, teenager), my sister-in-law gave a firm "no," but the rest of us were all in. And just like that, our fate was sealed.

 

Fast forward 3.5 hours—our backs sore, our patience tested—we finally found ourselves atop the mighty Naranarayan Setu, a massive bridge over the Brahmaputra River. We pulled over at the other end to soak in a breathtaking sunset, while our guide casually mentioned that an island temple nearby was also a prime sunset-spotting location. Great info… just about an hour too late.

 

With renewed enthusiasm (and slightly shaken spines), we powered through towards Goalpara—where we were immediately greeted by a delightful combination of lush greenery, bone-rattling bumps, and what can only be described as a philosophical debate on whether the muddy path ahead was, in fact, a road. After about 10-15 minutes of bouncing along the "roads" (which, at this point, felt more like an off-road adventure), we pulled up to a humble roadside eatery for some much-needed snacks and tea. By now, the sun had clocked out, and the village seemed to be following suit—thanks to electricity being both scarce and as expensive as a luxury item.

 

Our destination? The legendary Sri Surya Pahar (or Sri Surjya Pahar, depending on who you ask), an archaeological gem nestled in the Goalpara district. Imagine seven peaks spread across a whopping 1400 acres—basically, nature’s way of flexing. This place, about 13 km west of Goalpara town, is a history buff’s dream and an Instagrammer’s paradise (if you can find a signal). Thanks to the Archaeological Survey of India (ASI), Sri Surya Pahar is a protected site of national importance. And for good reason—it’s packed with terracotta wonders, jaw-dropping rock-cut sculptures, and artistic masterpieces featuring deities from Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism—basically a spiritual crossover episode you didn’t know you needed. Finding such religious diversity carved into stone? Now that's history with a plot twist!

 

Since the next 13 km involved an uphill battle against non-existent roads, we made the rational (and democratic!) decision to not go. For once, sanity won over adventure. My husband, however, was visibly unimpressed. A man who values destinations over journeys, he expressed his frustration entirely through aggressive head-nodding, which, if translated, probably meant: "So we drove all the way here… just for the sunset?!"

For me, the journey matters more than the destination (though I’ll admit, I did have a tiny itch to visit the site). But let’s be real—three more hours of bumpy roads? My sane brain took the wheel, and I let it win. So, we all piled back into the cars and started our journey towards the guest house in Manas, leaving behind the unvisited archaeological site. Chonchal, our guide, looked genuinely bewildered, as if mentally filing us under "Tourists Who Make No Sense"—which, to be fair, was accurate.

 

We crossed the Naranarayan Setu again—a bridge and a tongue-twister all in one. As if on cue, the car’s speakers started playing sad, romantic Bollywood music, instantly turning our road trip into a melancholic movie montage. We all got weirdly emotional and, in a moment of pure dramatics, vowed to return to visit the site in our next life. (Because clearly, this one wasn’t working out.)

 

Then, just as we were basking in our poetic sorrow, BAM—total darkness. The sunset disappeared, leaving us with nothing but our car headlights cutting through the pitch-black night. Suddenly, the ride took on a slightly creepy horror-movie vibe. In that moment, I was beyond relieved that I had chosen to ride with Chonchal and his comforting smile rather than the ever-serious Aniruddha. Because when you’re on a long, eerie drive through the middle of nowhere, you definitely want the guy who looks like he won’t leave you for dead.

 

Bored and exhausted, I did the only logical thing—I fell asleep, officially joining my teenage son in the "ignore reality and nap" club.

 

I must have drifted into some kind of horror movie dream because when the first big bump jerked me awake, my immediate reaction was pure relief—Oh good, I’m still in the car and not being chased by something with claws.

Still groggy, I turned to Chonchal and asked, "How far are we?" and "What time is it?"—despite the fact that my perfectly functional smartwatch could have answered at least one of those.

"It's 8:30," he said, "and we have about two more hours to go."

That’s when my brain went into full interrogation mode:

• Are we driving inside the forest now?
• Can we encounter any wild animals? (And if so, how friendly are we talking?)
• Is it actually safe to drive here at night? (Because this is starting to feel like a survival documentary.)
• Can we stop for a bathroom break? (Because fear and bumpy roads are a dangerous combo.)
• Where is the other car? (Since, concerningly, I no longer see its headlights...)

 

Chonchal, ever the patient man, just smiled and answered one question at a time—which only mildly reassured me. He casually mentioned that he had lost sight of the other car about 40–50 minutes ago—they had probably stopped for a bathroom break somewhere.

Me: Oh no! Can we call them?
Chonchal: No, there’s no signal.
Me: Oh no! How will we know if they’re safe?
Chonchal: The same way they’ll know if we’re safe.

At that moment, my dear, sweet Chonchal lost some of his charm.

 

Before I could spiral further, my practical husband (who had been pretending to sleep while I interrogated poor Chonchal) finally spoke up—"We can’t do anything about it. Chonchal doesn’t know any more than we do."

Wow. Heartless. And to think I married this man. My mother was right all along—never trust a man over six feet tall.

 

 

I attempted meditation—closing my eyes, taking slow breaths, and pretending I wasn’t on an endless, bumpy rollercoaster to nowhere. My journey became a cycle of dozing off, getting violently awakened by a pothole, dozing off again, and repeat. Time lost all meaning. I have no idea how long that “two-hour” drive actually took, but at some point—somehow—we finally rolled into the guest house, just outside the National Park.

 

Upon arrival, we were asked to show ID and collect our room keys—a process that felt suspiciously formal for a place where I had just seen a gecko the size of my forearm.

 

A young man, bless his soul, offered to carry our bags and lead us to our hut. But I hesitated—I needed to wait for my missing in-laws (because I wasn’t about to explain to my mother-in-law why we abandoned them in the jungle).

 

Chonchal, now my official emotional support human, reassured me: He would let me know the moment they arrived... if they ever did. (Okay, he didn’t say if they ever did, but in my sleep-deprived state, it sure felt implied.)

 

Too tired to argue, I finally dragged myself to our cozy little hut—small, but equipped with an attached bathroom and blessed, glorious hot water. The young man informed us that the kitchen had closed at 9, but if we wanted, they had bread and tea. My husband, ever the pragmatist, ordered some while the rest of us, fueled by exhaustion, declared ourselves "not hungry" and collapsed. Just as I stepped into the shower, my in-laws finally arrived—alive and unharmed.

 

And just like that, the day of chaos, craters, and questionable life choices came to a peaceful end. We finally got to sleep in a real bed—even if only for a few hours.

How to plan for an early retirement

For the last few days this idea of early retirement was running in my head. I came across a blog (among several more) which talked about retirement even in 30’s provided one starts working at 20’s and save up to 75% of take home income! Funny and sounds impossible to me but I know someone in her who exactly does that and I want to see whether she can retire in her 30’s. So for people like us who may have started thinking about retirement after their 40^th birthday there is still hope. There are few baby steps and few giant ones including some life-style changes but there is chance. But it is like your fitness diets you should be serious enough to continue till the end. Some of the steps are even big for me which I am suggesting to myself also you need support from your partner and children.

Here is a step by step instruction which I am implementing for myself which I gathered (read researched) from several blogs.

 1. Assess your monthly spending, group by categories like Grocery, Utilities, Credit Card etc. This will give you a rough idea of the areas where you can make changes to save.

 2. Find out the difference between your monthly spending and earning.

 3. If it is negative meaning you are spending more than your earning, stop reading further or take a second job and start all over again from step1.

 4. If you are still reading then make the list of things which you do not require like an extra pair of tennis shoe or an extra purse just because they are on sale or an expensive jacket for your kid because you can afford it.

 5. Keep a check on your groceries and do not spend more than what an average middle class American household spend. For a family of 3, it should not exceed $100 per week and it should include cheese, wine, organic meat/produce and occasional take-outs.

 6. Make your own lunch and shun the Starbucks.

 7. Be active and that will not only save copays to the doctors but also will keep you happy.

 8. Invest on a good car and try to keep it as long as you can. Your car is not an extension of your electronic gadgets neither your Lazyboy sofa but it is necessity if you live in a suburb in US. The other alternative is bike as much as you can, but only possible if the weather is not too adverse.

 9. Save a fixed amount of money each year to pay off a part of the principal of your mortgage in case you don’t live in a rented house. If possible pay off the mortgage as soon as you can with a second income.

 10. If you achieve all of the goals mentioned above celebrate with something you like and have long lasting memories and which is expensive. It can be a trip to a place you planned for long or throw a party at your house or can go and meet your parents and family, something which you desired for long and will cherish longer. But remember not to spend more than what you saved for it. Yes, you must have saved for it in before step4.

 11. Now you should see a significant amount in your savings account as you have been cautious and trying hard. This should be 30% to 50% of your take home income. If not then you have to keep reading.

 12. Make maximum contribution to your 401k plan that will help you save money which you are not even access to, it is like having a pay cut.

 13. If you pay off your car then take that money out of your checking account to savings account so that you are saving it and not absorbing it in something you were surviving without for so long.

14. Whenever you are making a big purchase (anything over $100), plan for it and never make any decision without checking your current earning vs current spending and not breaking the ground rule Earning should be greater than Spending.

 15. Lastly and most importantly have a Stoic or prudent life which is an ancient philosophy called Stoicism which was to remind yourself at all times of what you can control and what you can’t. We can’t control geopolitics, we can’t control the weather, we can’t control the economy, we can’t control other people, we can’t even control our own bodies, not entirely anyway. The only thing we can really control are our own thoughts and beliefs. If we remind ourselves of that, and focus our energy and attention on our own beliefs and opinions, then we can learn to cope wisely with whatever the world throws at us.

 

 

 

 

 

Long-term Relationship

 

There have been several ups and downs and numerous bumps in the way to a successful long-term relationship. There are compromises and backlashes from a bitter misunderstanding but at the end what matter is the honey that oozes out from the wounds. The great feelings while driving back home after a bad day at work. The expectation that every sensation will always be rightly appreciated as they know you so well. The ability to share every small redundant thing with them which is so important to you for some submerged emotion attached to that.

One of the essential ingredients of a long-term relationship is mutual competitiveness. Individuals are competitive only with their equals. From that comes the mutual respect. So even when you are feeling extreme hatred towards the other your respect will hold you from making an abusive assault on your partner. Another ingredient is the feelings for each other. From that comes sharing of responsibility and liability to make each other’s life equally enchanting and enjoyable.

A long-term relationship gives you the promise that when you woke up in the morning at least one thing you feel great about is your partner and your children who are your utmost motivation for your life. Whatever you achieve in life nothing can give you more pleasure than a warm loving kiss.

In this fast life when we spend more time with unknown/half-known people through social media we should take a step back and think what are we achieving from that. Are we getting happier or becoming a victim of our own blunders? Isn’t it more important that we should do things in life not to share with others but to be happy for ourselves? Why do we need to share our personal photographs with unknown people? Why are we looking for recognition from others, is it because we are not getting attention at home? If we are looking for a long-term relation then definitely we need to change the trend. Try to spend time together by sharing the daily chores and grab every opportunity to be together with the person you love.

Life is extremely unpredictable and may cut short without giving any warning. Some small steps that is all required to make it happen like starting the day with coffee or breakfast together. After a long day enjoy a walk in the nature or exercise or swim together. Then prepare a meal and enjoy the food in a laidback way. Life is more meaningful when lived for oneself and for one’s own fulfillment. It is much worthwhile to invest time and effort on a long-term relation rather than short-term highs coming from a facebook like or share. Exploring new places are never more enjoyable when shared with someone who is enjoying it exactly the same way as you. Live life as if tomorrow will never come and enjoy what you have.

Where I will be 10 years down the lane.....

Let me first explain why I want to do this. Generally I use the country roads to come to office as I want to start the day in a laid-back way being closer to nature. Today morning while standing in the traffic I saw an old man driving a Tractor in the corn field next to the road in the freezing cold and gutsy wind. Initially I thought he must be miserable and hate to do this. Then observing him for few minutes I realized he is quite enjoying with a headphone and listening to the music. Looking at his wrinkly skin of his face I guessed his age to be in late 70’s or early 80’s. To me he is starting his day with extreme hard labor but still managed to be happy. It intrigued my mind to think about my position and my state of happiness. Then I start analyzing if I am not happy now whatever I am doing now should make me happy sometime down the lane. Logically I should be happy now or if I am not happy now then I should be doing something now which will make me happy in the future. Overall I believe I have everything to be happy, a protective and supportive husband, a healthy child and a large and helpful extended family. Still I am not as happy as I should be.

Being a Girl in India

The topic has been in my mind for quite some time but now I felt it is apt to disclose it. Another rape occurred in India and people are shouting for justice for the victim by suggesting capital punishment for the rapists. I am not surprised at all as ALL Indian women are raped several times either physically or by eyes or by words. Since my childhood I remember being touched, pushed, groped and fondled several times in the road/bus/train/cinema hall/book fair/auto rickshaw/taxi. I am one of the lucky few to be safe at home with relatives. I had friends from school who are physically or sexually abused by their relatives several times.


Now let me divulge the response I get when I disclosed my situation. I still remember I was very young studying in class-IV and travelling by train with my mother. One friendly gentleman offered me to sit by his side near the window in the crowded train. I was delighted by my luck but it was one of the worst assaults I endured considering my age. That man was pushing me with his elbow and constantly touching my invisible breasts and also pinching me in my thighs. I was too young and frightened to do anything other than showing discomfort. I endured it till the man get down a station before the last stop. Once we get down I tried to explain everything to my mom but she failed to believe me as according to her I am too young to understand what I am telling. But I must have complete understanding of it as I remember the whole incidence in full details even now and remember the man to be short and with moustache. That was just one of the innumerable ones I encountered all through my stay in India. I have been assaulted almost every time I went to any public place. I know this sound completely weird and insane to anyone who lived in a developed country or born as a lucky man in India. At the same I know each and every woman who is raised in any Indian city are nodding their head. I never lived in a village but definitely can swear that the situation is worse. My deduction is from the mere fact that I was abused by strangers in presence of other adults and sometimes in front of my relatives. Also I consider myself assertive and knowledgeable enough to fight for myself. If I could not save myself so many times how can I believe that the helpless shy poor woman from a Dalit community can save herself?

Once I started showing signs of puberty my mother told me to not to wear western clothes and always carry books/bags/umbrellas as a shield. No late night and never ever go out with boys. My mom also gave me several sessions on how men had so many bad intensions and only way to protect us from assaults is by avoiding getting into any confrontation. Like everything else I stopped listening to her and did what I thought I should do.

This happened when I was working. Was trying to get into an auto rickshaw around 9-9:30 pm while returning from a relative’s house with my mom. The driver declined to take us as I refused paying the extra he demanded for the late night ride. I threatened the driver to report the incidence to Police by taking his license number. He came back (rather drive reverse), stopped the car in front of us and threatened me with dire consequences like rape. He used extremely abusive language towards me and my mother in presence of lot of other adults who were standing there to catch their own mode of transportation. Not a single one opened their mouth. To my astonishment my mother apologized to the driver for my bad behavior and scolded me for displaying such unwomanly dare devil outburst.
When I shared similar situation with my brother he would just laughed telling me being too sensitive. My point here is that Indian women are taught to protect themselves either by submission or avoidance without raising any finger against the patriarchal chauvinistic men who consider women nothing more than sex objects. From childhood we are taught to be docile and subservient to men without making men felt guilty of the heinous crime like rape.
Even now after the gang-rape in Delhi one Lady Scientist from MP mentioned in a public congregation held as a protest to the rape, she would survive if she would not fight. This is the mindset which is causing a situation where one girl is raped in every 4 seconds in India. Now my obvious question is since we are not able to stop the crime why we are not changing the trend of blaming the girls and start raising boys who consider another woman as an equal human being.

Chauvinism is ingrained in Indian society

I grew up in a home where my dad happily does household chores right from preparing food to cleaning clothes/pots & pans. He would be the one who take us to the doctor and take care of us when anybody is sick. In fact being the younger one I would get the best cut of meat, fish and sweets over my brother. I was raised to question everything around me against unquestioned obedience. One of my dad’s favorite phrase is – Age does not mean wisdom, so never give unquestioned obedience to anybody because he is elder to you. I grew up to be a rebellious independent girl who believes everything is equal for men and women.

The first blow comes from my mom who started searching for a groom for me when I am 21 years. At the beginning I argued with her and she stopped me saying “You will never get married against your wish; I am just helping you to make the right choice”. I stopped because I believe I should know how to handle any situation. One afternoon she suddenly declares that some guests are coming to talk to me with the intention to consider me as their future daughter-in-law. I was stunned by the suddenness of the news and feel betrayed as I have never even seen the prospective groom and it is them who are coming to see me. Anyway after a lot of fight I agreed to meet them with the condition that I am not going to carry tea to them and will tell them directly what I feel even if that may cause insult to our family. Just after entering the room I told them directly that I have no intension to marry ever in my life and I am not part of this arrangement and walked slowly out of the room. It was my way of protesting against a system which supports male chauvinism. My mom stopped searching for my groom right from that moment.

After joining college I met male friends who believe that women are inferior to men and they need support to survive. I started fighting with them and branded as a feminist. In my work life I met male colleagues who believe women are better equipped to take care of household chores and they are not intelligent enough to make decisions outside home. I started avoiding them. I had boyfriends who showed chauvinism in a subtle and sophisticated way. They would wait for hours in front of movie theaters, giving me free rides but then order food for me in a restaurant without thinking that I may want to order something else. Naturally I broke up with them believing I will find someone who is a true feminist!

Then I met a man who thinks women can do everything which men can do, additionally women can grow a baby inside them. I was impressed by his understanding of righteousness, balance in thinking and sense of justice. I decided to marry him not because I was in love but I was confident that I can spend the rest of my life with him because he can be my soul-mate. The reality struck on the day of marriage. We had a Hindu ceremony as my in-laws believe as that’s the only way to get married. The entire Sanskrit chants (a language which I don’t understand at all) about the vows of marriage are for the groom as if I am a child with no responsibility in the marriage. Then my first visit to his ancestral home in a small town was another shock. I was made to do several rituals which had no meaning to me and torturous for a newlywed who travelled 6 hours in a car through perilous roads. Welcome to the world of real India where the male chauvinism is conserved and supported by women. I met my in-laws before marriage and they seemed to be extremely good people only a bit traditional. But I see a different picture of them in their own world; they are ritualistic orthodox Hindus who believe in all the curses of Hinduism from untouchability to male chauvinism. That day when my husband got a few minutes for me he told me to tolerate it for one more day as we are not going to stay with them. I had no other option but just to go with the flow as I want to give a chance to my new life. The few days we stayed there was a mixed experience which I don’t recall exactly after so many years. After that I stayed few more times with them and enjoyed being with the large family made up of a variety of people. In fact I had a liking for one of my sister-in-laws who is a school teacher and intelligent and how she is using the system in her favor. I had nice time with my father-in-law even being mentally weak, selfish and orthodox who never want to question the authority but had a golden heart which cries for all the evils around. On the other hand my mother-in-law who has seen a lot and a victim of the system which resulted her into a confused and unsecured person. When my FIL says the tea is cold or the food she prepared should have a thicker consistency, she showed embarrassment as if it is her duty to cater to all his needs without making any mistake. She is surprised to see my husband doing household chores that men in the family also work! But the paradox is even after being victimized she does not want to protest by saying that’s enough. She prefers to spend the rest of the life in a cocoon which gives the false sense of safety and don’t want to take charge of her destiny. I truly failed to understand her actions with my life experience.

My actual lesson for life starts once I started living in Europe and America. I realized for the first time that women truly can do EVERYTHING. I realized that even I have some prejudice as sometimes I feel bad for not being the perfect Indian wife or daughter. I had to overcome the occasional bad feelings I get when I refused to do things as per my husband's choice just because I don’t like doing that. I learned that there is no need for me to feel bad about doing things imperfectly. Now I try to stick to my own philosophy that - make yourself happy and you can make everyone around you happy as well. Even then I sometimes remain clueless to handle the chauvinism when my everyday hard work in cooking remains unappreciated by the people for whom I am taking this effort, just because as a woman I am supposed to cook. I failed to understand why people shows so much resistance in changing the existing wrongs which has far-reaching consequences. I think by choosing their own partner is the first step which all Indian women should take to change this mind-set. This will give them the confidence that they are capable to take decisions and is responsible for that. Beside, as we cannot choose our parents, by selecting the right partner will help making a home for the future generation which will provide a free and balanced environment believing in equal respect to men and women. 

Most obvious conflict

                     After a long time I was going to stay with my in-laws and that also in my own den. At the beginning I was apprehensive and to some extent scared. It is really unbelievable that anything can scare me. But I was scared of the unknown territory my in-laws belong to. The illogical views which are not supported by facts but rather intuition and total submission to age old traditions. I had a discussion with my knowledgeable hubby for some advice. After a long talk the only thing that comes out is that- be sensitive to them as you don't expect them to change nor it is your job to change them. Really? This is not the general advice from my hubby in other situations then why NOW. Naturally I was not happy with the suggestion as I judge things only with logic based on facts & figures. Then I decided to go with the flow. 
They arrived and as suggested by my instinct(hubby as well) I was dressed casual in western standard not wearing any bit of Indian traditional wife but not overdoing anything. They came and accept me as I am. My first surprise submerged into the understanding that they are too tired to notice anything. The days goes into nights and not a single word from them regarding what to and what not to wear. I was never overdoing anything but just modestly dressed in Western context. I made my decision that I will do my best to make them as comfortable as possible as they are so acceptable to me.

The biggest surprise was my mother-in-law, I get the first glimpse of the ever curious, intelligent girl who was just waiting to open her wings. She was doing things which she may always wished in her heart, walking, trekking (yes trekking), hiking always with a smile and no complaint. Enjoying everything around her, relishing the new taste of food and the society around her. She was like a bloating paper trying to absorb as much as possible. The happiness in her eyes was so obvious. I feel pity realizing how willingly she has been waiting for this day. 
On the other hand was my father-in-law, with his passive aggression against all the changes around him. First thing was food, due to lack of proper Indian food during our stay in a rest house in a forest he fainted and missed a nice trip to a cavern. Once back home he was not happy with the Indian food I was preparing which is mostly baked and with very less oil. He was asking my MIL to cook things according to his choice. He was never demanding but just asking is enough of an order for my MIL. Here I get a glimpse of the patriarchal Indian society in my den for the first time. It is expected that my MIL will serve the glass of water, food, tea everything to my FIL. He will not eat form anybody else's dish but it is expected we will eat his unfinished food. I saw the insecurity in my MIL for the first time when she said the only goal for her life is to take care of my FIL and she cannot behave like me as not economically independent as I am. She is willingly or unwillingly supporting all the whims of my FIL, eating the left out while keeping best cuts for him, serving tea/water as many times as he wants make him comfortable in every possible way. Whenever we tried to confront (my hubby supported me so much and always) he will remain numb and put his head down showing I don't want to fight but I WILL NOT DO IT. 


But in all we were all having a good time as they both are very good people at heart and the conflicts were concentrated on the difference in views we have on life. I tried to believe that the society they live in is good for both. FIL is getting service from MIL by taking care of the economic requirement and MIL is giving back to him catering to his needs of everyday life. On the other hand me and my husband are both equally responsible to take care of the family and the financial side. We share everyday jobs as much equally possible and also face the outside world. The thing which bothers me is that my MIL makes every attempt to keep my FIL happy and comfortable at all time but the other way is not true. He never supported her when she had problem adjusting with her in-laws nor he bothers about the things which make her happy. In that sense he is extremely selfish and only concerned about his happiness. I was really surprised by this behavior from this otherwise good-at-heart human being. I am not sure whether this is because of the society they live in or is just what  he is. 
Another thing which is clearly out-of-balance is that all the responsibilities and consequences for being an ideal wife is on my MIL while FIL can get away with anything since he is earning. The paradox is he does not think the same way about me even though I take care of the financial responsibility in our household at this moment. To me this is a double standard distorted view which is supported by my MIL as well. I have been in a situation like her before when I was without a job but I was making decisions in all matters outside or inside home and never serving my hubby like the way she serves. Since she has not fought to express her desires or opinions the problem persists and I still need to fight for my rights to be considered as a equal human being as a man 30 years down the lane. 
Sometimes I really get confused about which is more important. The personal freedom and the independence which I enjoy along with all the responsibilities OR the happy but mundane life of watching TV serials & movies at the cost of being a docile subservient Indian wife. I feel this is the nature of a human being to be always safe and how we achieve it is depends on our personalities. I am safe when I am in charge of my things and ready to face consequences of my decisions to prove that I am equal. While my MIL enjoys the safety of the home environment at the cost of being considered the weaker sex. 
But there is a problem here. Me and my hubby are more of friends and we know it very well that we are together by choice as we both are independent enough to live a life of our own at any point. This is not true for my in-laws, as their relationship is based on an unequal status hence they try their best making each one dependent on another. Due to their insecurities they both make sure that the other partner don't have any clue of his/her work and in turn make the other partner completely dependent. This has several far reaching consequences and one of the worst is the social impact on average women living in that society. 


Men being the physically stronger will always try to make things better for them if women don't counteract them with wit. The best way to get wise is through proper education to be able to question things happening around them.   I have seen a trend in my in-laws that they don't question things which are there over centuries or told by some elder or because they just follow that in India. As a result they also make comments like - the room is cold because there is no air circulation and hence having pain in my back. I have no clue how this conclusion is made as the room has air vents & back pain is not always due to cold. To me the person makes that statement as he/she does not like the temperature of the room and he/she has some back pain. He/she just relate the two in a way so that he/she can avoid being in that room. The point is it is easy to justify things you want wrongly if you can remove logical thinking. In the case of my MIL, she has been imbibed on her, a sense of guilt by not catering to FIL while FIL has no guilt of considering MIL as a his care giver for life. As a result they both lost the chance to live forever with a friend other than the fact that they are supporting a distorted system. The girl they are raising or choosing for their sons as bride belong to the same mentality and hence the trend continues. My only attempt is to break the thread and hence make some impact in our rotten society which has several other social evils generated out of this. I am trying as I believe it is easier to introduce things through them as they are good human being and may in turn implement in their society than just not to forget this stay as a nightmare.