After a long time I was going to stay with my in-laws and that also in my own den. At the beginning I was apprehensive and to some extent scared. It is really unbelievable that anything can scare me. But I was scared of the unknown territory my in-laws belong to. The illogical views which are not supported by facts but rather intuition and total submission to age old traditions. I had a discussion with my knowledgeable hubby for some advice. After a long talk the only thing that comes out is that- be sensitive to them as you don't expect them to change nor it is your job to change them. Really? This is not the general advice from my hubby in other situations then why NOW. Naturally I was not happy with the suggestion as I judge things only with logic based on facts & figures. Then I decided to go with the flow.
They arrived and as suggested by my instinct(hubby as well) I was dressed casual in western standard not wearing any bit of Indian traditional wife but not overdoing anything. They came and accept me as I am. My first surprise submerged into the understanding that they are too tired to notice anything. The days goes into nights and not a single word from them regarding what to and what not to wear. I was never overdoing anything but just modestly dressed in Western context. I made my decision that I will do my best to make them as comfortable as possible as they are so acceptable to me.
The biggest surprise was my mother-in-law, I get the first glimpse of the ever curious, intelligent girl who was just waiting to open her wings. She was doing things which she may always wished in her heart, walking, trekking (yes trekking), hiking always with a smile and no complaint. Enjoying everything around her, relishing the new taste of food and the society around her. She was like a bloating paper trying to absorb as much as possible. The happiness in her eyes was so obvious. I feel pity realizing how willingly she has been waiting for this day.
On the other hand was my father-in-law, with his passive aggression against all the changes around him. First thing was food, due to lack of proper Indian food during our stay in a rest house in a forest he fainted and missed a nice trip to a cavern. Once back home he was not happy with the Indian food I was preparing which is mostly baked and with very less oil. He was asking my MIL to cook things according to his choice. He was never demanding but just asking is enough of an order for my MIL. Here I get a glimpse of the patriarchal Indian society in my den for the first time. It is expected that my MIL will serve the glass of water, food, tea everything to my FIL. He will not eat form anybody else's dish but it is expected we will eat his unfinished food. I saw the insecurity in my MIL for the first time when she said the only goal for her life is to take care of my FIL and she cannot behave like me as not economically independent as I am. She is willingly or unwillingly supporting all the whims of my FIL, eating the left out while keeping best cuts for him, serving tea/water as many times as he wants make him comfortable in every possible way. Whenever we tried to confront (my hubby supported me so much and always) he will remain numb and put his head down showing I don't want to fight but I WILL NOT DO IT.
But in all we were all having a good time as they both are very good people at heart and the conflicts were concentrated on the difference in views we have on life. I tried to believe that the society they live in is good for both. FIL is getting service from MIL by taking care of the economic requirement and MIL is giving back to him catering to his needs of everyday life. On the other hand me and my husband are both equally responsible to take care of the family and the financial side. We share everyday jobs as much equally possible and also face the outside world. The thing which bothers me is that my MIL makes every attempt to keep my FIL happy and comfortable at all time but the other way is not true. He never supported her when she had problem adjusting with her in-laws nor he bothers about the things which make her happy. In that sense he is extremely selfish and only concerned about his happiness. I was really surprised by this behavior from this otherwise good-at-heart human being. I am not sure whether this is because of the society they live in or is just what he is.
Another thing which is clearly out-of-balance is that all the responsibilities and consequences for being an ideal wife is on my MIL while FIL can get away with anything since he is earning. The paradox is he does not think the same way about me even though I take care of the financial responsibility in our household at this moment. To me this is a double standard distorted view which is supported by my MIL as well. I have been in a situation like her before when I was without a job but I was making decisions in all matters outside or inside home and never serving my hubby like the way she serves. Since she has not fought to express her desires or opinions the problem persists and I still need to fight for my rights to be considered as a equal human being as a man 30 years down the lane.
Sometimes I really get confused about which is more important. The personal freedom and the independence which I enjoy along with all the responsibilities OR the happy but mundane life of watching TV serials & movies at the cost of being a docile subservient Indian wife. I feel this is the nature of a human being to be always safe and how we achieve it is depends on our personalities. I am safe when I am in charge of my things and ready to face consequences of my decisions to prove that I am equal. While my MIL enjoys the safety of the home environment at the cost of being considered the weaker sex.
But there is a problem here. Me and my hubby are more of friends and we know it very well that we are together by choice as we both are independent enough to live a life of our own at any point. This is not true for my in-laws, as their relationship is based on an unequal status hence they try their best making each one dependent on another. Due to their insecurities they both make sure that the other partner don't have any clue of his/her work and in turn make the other partner completely dependent. This has several far reaching consequences and one of the worst is the social impact on average women living in that society.
Men being the physically stronger will always try to make things better for them if women don't counteract them with wit. The best way to get wise is through proper education to be able to question things happening around them. I have seen a trend in my in-laws that they don't question things which are there over centuries or told by some elder or because they just follow that in India. As a result they also make comments like - the room is cold because there is no air circulation and hence having pain in my back. I have no clue how this conclusion is made as the room has air vents & back pain is not always due to cold. To me the person makes that statement as he/she does not like the temperature of the room and he/she has some back pain. He/she just relate the two in a way so that he/she can avoid being in that room. The point is it is easy to justify things you want wrongly if you can remove logical thinking. In the case of my MIL, she has been imbibed on her, a sense of guilt by not catering to FIL while FIL has no guilt of considering MIL as a his care giver for life. As a result they both lost the chance to live forever with a friend other than the fact that they are supporting a distorted system. The girl they are raising or choosing for their sons as bride belong to the same mentality and hence the trend continues. My only attempt is to break the thread and hence make some impact in our rotten society which has several other social evils generated out of this. I am trying as I believe it is easier to introduce things through them as they are good human being and may in turn implement in their society than just not to forget this stay as a nightmare.
