I grew up in a home where my dad
happily does household chores right from preparing food to cleaning clothes/pots
& pans. He would be the one who take us to the doctor and take care of us
when anybody is sick. In fact being the younger one I would get the best cut of
meat, fish and sweets over my brother. I was raised to question everything
around me against unquestioned obedience. One of my dad’s favorite phrase is – Age
does not mean wisdom, so never give unquestioned obedience to anybody because
he is elder to you. I grew up to be a rebellious independent girl who believes
everything is equal for men and women.
The first blow comes from my mom
who started searching for a groom for me when I am 21 years. At the beginning I
argued with her and she stopped me saying “You will never get married against
your wish; I am just helping you to make the right choice”. I stopped because I
believe I should know how to handle any situation. One afternoon she suddenly
declares that some guests are coming to talk to me with the intention to
consider me as their future daughter-in-law. I was stunned by the suddenness of
the news and feel betrayed as I have never even seen the prospective groom and
it is them who are coming to see me. Anyway after a lot of fight I agreed to
meet them with the condition that I am not going to carry tea to them and will
tell them directly what I feel even if that may cause insult to our family.
Just after entering the room I told them directly that I have no intension to
marry ever in my life and I am not part of this arrangement and walked slowly
out of the room. It was my way of protesting against a system which supports male
chauvinism. My mom stopped searching for my groom right from that moment.
After joining college I met male
friends who believe that women are inferior to men and they need support to
survive. I started fighting with them and branded as a feminist. In my work
life I met male colleagues who believe women are better equipped to take care
of household chores and they are not intelligent enough to make decisions outside
home. I started avoiding them. I had boyfriends who showed chauvinism in a subtle
and sophisticated way. They would wait for hours in front of movie theaters,
giving me free rides but then order food for me in a restaurant without thinking
that I may want to order something else. Naturally I broke up with them
believing I will find someone who is a true feminist!
Then I met a man who thinks women
can do everything which men can do, additionally women can grow a baby inside
them. I was impressed by his understanding of righteousness, balance in
thinking and sense of justice. I decided to marry him not because I was in love
but I was confident that I can spend the rest of my life with him because he
can be my soul-mate. The reality struck on the day of marriage. We had a Hindu
ceremony as my in-laws believe as that’s the only way to get married. The
entire Sanskrit chants (a language which I don’t understand at all) about the
vows of marriage are for the groom as if I am a child with no responsibility in
the marriage. Then my first visit to his ancestral home in a small town was
another shock. I was made to do several rituals which had no meaning to me and
torturous for a newlywed who travelled 6 hours in a car through perilous roads.
Welcome to the world of real India where the male chauvinism is conserved and
supported by women. I met my in-laws before marriage and they seemed to be
extremely good people only a bit traditional. But I see a different picture of
them in their own world; they are ritualistic orthodox Hindus who believe in
all the curses of Hinduism from untouchability to male chauvinism. That day when
my husband got a few minutes for me he told me to tolerate it for one more day
as we are not going to stay with them. I had no other option but just to go
with the flow as I want to give a chance to my new life. The few days we stayed
there was a mixed experience which I don’t recall exactly after so many years. After
that I stayed few more times with them and enjoyed being with the large family made
up of a variety of people. In fact I had a liking for one of my sister-in-laws
who is a school teacher and intelligent and how she is using the system in her
favor. I had nice time with my father-in-law even being mentally weak, selfish
and orthodox who never want to question the authority but had a golden heart
which cries for all the evils around. On the other hand my mother-in-law who
has seen a lot and a victim of the system which resulted her into a confused
and unsecured person. When my FIL says the tea is cold or the food she prepared
should have a thicker consistency, she showed embarrassment as if it is her
duty to cater to all his needs without making any mistake. She is surprised to
see my husband doing household chores that men in the family also work! But the
paradox is even after being victimized she does not want to protest by saying that’s
enough. She prefers to spend the rest of the life in a cocoon which gives the
false sense of safety and don’t want to take charge of her destiny. I truly failed
to understand her actions with my life experience.
My actual lesson for life starts
once I started living in Europe and America. I realized for the first time that
women truly can do EVERYTHING. I realized that even I have some prejudice as sometimes I feel bad for not being the perfect Indian wife or daughter. I had to
overcome the occasional bad feelings I get when I refused to do things as per my husband's choice just because I don’t like doing that. I learned that there is no need for me
to feel bad about doing things imperfectly. Now I try to stick to my own philosophy
that - make yourself happy and you can make everyone around you happy as well. Even
then I sometimes remain clueless to handle the chauvinism when my everyday hard
work in cooking remains unappreciated by the people for whom I am taking this
effort, just because as a woman I am supposed to cook. I failed to understand why people
shows so much resistance in changing the existing wrongs which has far-reaching
consequences. I think by choosing their own partner is the first step which all
Indian women should take to change this mind-set. This will give them the
confidence that they are capable to take decisions and is responsible for that.
Beside, as we cannot choose our parents, by selecting the right partner will
help making a home for the future generation which will provide a
free and balanced environment believing in equal respect to men and women.
