This week is Mother’s Day. Being a new mom and a first time mom as well, Mother’s Day suddenly is interesting to me. I don’t believe in these days (including Valentine’s Day), but this one triggers me to write a few lines about being mom. It took me lot of time to decide about the title of my writing. Will it be ‘Transformation of a Woman to a Mother’ or ‘Fulfillment of Womanhood’ or ‘Motherhood’ or’ Greatest Women right’. Ultimately I decided on ‘Mother’. When I was a kid I read ‘Mother’ by Maxim Gorky. I didn’t understand it much that time but I enjoyed reading it. Today when I want to write about ‘Motherhood’ I wish I can read the book once more. So, I ordered it in the local library, but I have to wait for some time to get the book. I don’t want to wait for so long and started my own version of ‘Mother’.
Since my childhood, motherhood was never appealing to me. When some of my friends were discussing about dolls and about how they would love to get married and have children, I would think why do I have to get married and to have children. Why can’t I do something else like a writer or a teacher or may be a bus conductor. When my mother would scold me for not keeping the rooms clean and not helping her in the household work, she would always mention that I will be a failure as a housewife. So, my father should make some alternate arrangement for me, as I am such a misfit in this society. I don’t blame her for that because she was never taught to think beyond what the society expect from a woman. Nobody taught me either but as I started reading books from a very early stage (I don’t remember when did I read the first book), my world was far beyond the lanes and by-lanes of Kolkata. Novels like ‘Amphibian Man’, ‘All Quiet in the Western Front’, ‘Farewell to Arms’, ‘Count Dracula’ were my favorite, since I started understanding full sentences in English. I read and re-read these books more than any of my text books ever in my life. So, the influences of these books were extreme on me and I loved to be in my own world where there is war, love & heart-breaks, scientific wonders - in a word a true but imperfect world. The age when kids (especially girls) read fairy tales I got pleasure from these books. All these books have taught me two things. First- the world is not as perfect as depicted in a fairy tale. Second- if you are different and a misfit in the society, there is a pain associated with it. So, from childhood I knew I have to choose between, being a perfect woman and go by all the rules set by society, or I should make my own life. I was aware that the path I am going to choose (not to be a WOMAN) will be tough and with lots of hurdles.
So, ultimately when I become a mother in my mid thirties (which is too late in any standard) it was a life changing event for me. I was happy being married for 7 years and not being a mother. As I am out of the country and away from all my relatives and in-laws I was easily withstanding the pressure. I never liked kids (except a few closed ones) and never want to take the hassle of raising any of my own. But then suddenly I felt that what the heck of being a mom, let’s try it. So, we decided to be parents. I hate the 9 months of my pregnancy; it’s the worst phase in my life. Then the 36 hours of labor and pushing and the inconsolable pain associated with it. When ultimately the baby comes out I was too exhausted to even look at it. I was not even interested to know how he looks like. I was experiencing excruciating pain till then and was given sleeping pills. After a nice whole night sleep, the next morning I was fresh enough to hold the baby for the first time. When nurse hand him over to me he looked at me with his big beautiful eyes and smiled. The smile that can melt snow from thousand glaciers and flood the heart of even the cruelest of the moms. I felt for the first time- what it meant by love at first sight. I was swayed away by him and everything else in this world was insignificant to me. I am transformed into a new person. The transformation that started that day (20th July 2008 to be precise) is still going on.
The first thing that changed in my life is my schedule. The initial few weeks fly off in understanding the baby and how to cater to his wants. Then when I started understanding his cues the next phase that comes is to cater to his whims. When I joined work and he started going to day care I thought I will have some time for me. I was so naïve. I worry about him even when I am working and he is in the day care. So, even when I am away from him I am thinking about him. Currently my day start at 6 o’clock. Till the time I get out of the house at 7.30, I am running up and down 1000 times and preparing him and his food for his day in the day-care. Between the times, I leave him in the day care and pick up, is the only me-time I have. Even in that period, I make phone calls to his doctor’s office to confirm an appointment, enquire about some unpaid doctor’s bills, or call the nurse for some advice on his recent toothache or food habit, or going through the internet to get some valuable data (read junk) on the age appropriate developmental milestones. If nothing else then complete my groceries as I cannot do it while going back home, as he is tired and need dinner and bath as soon as possible. So, at the end of the day when he is asleep and I am done with all cleaning of his bottles/spoons/boxes, I look at the clock and its 10.30pm already. Then I drop dead in to bed and get up three times in the middle of the night as he is crying for milk or wants a diaper change. Then another morning comes and I look at his vulnerable face in deep sleep, it gives me all the energy to be ready to face the world and put him before me in everything.
With all this said and feeling great to be a mother, does not mean I will protect him from all the wrongs he will do. When he is 50 and I am on my death bed I don’t want to say: "I should have let him fail". So, when he will forget to do his homework, I will never do it for him. If he got caught shoplifting or drunk-driving, I will let him spend a night in jail. If he started smoking cocaine I will definitely tell him about the bad effects but never stop him as he should be responsible for his own life. I will be always for him whenever he needs me but I will never allow him to be my reason to be happy. Sooner I will make him independent, faster I will get my life back. I accept that it is a full time job to be a mom, but I am happy to have a career otherwise I would be frustrated and be a worse mom.
I see my success as a true mom, when my son is impermeable to his failures and unaltered by his accomplishments. I will be happy to see him as a successful human being rather than a successful man as dictated by society. I will not care if he does not have the best degree from the best university but I will care if he does not mind making money by fooling ignorant people.
I want to end this write up with a sweet note about motherhood, taking help of a quotation:
"Making the decision to have a child- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone
