Chauvinism is ingrained in Indian society

I grew up in a home where my dad happily does household chores right from preparing food to cleaning clothes/pots & pans. He would be the one who take us to the doctor and take care of us when anybody is sick. In fact being the younger one I would get the best cut of meat, fish and sweets over my brother. I was raised to question everything around me against unquestioned obedience. One of my dad’s favorite phrase is – Age does not mean wisdom, so never give unquestioned obedience to anybody because he is elder to you. I grew up to be a rebellious independent girl who believes everything is equal for men and women.

The first blow comes from my mom who started searching for a groom for me when I am 21 years. At the beginning I argued with her and she stopped me saying “You will never get married against your wish; I am just helping you to make the right choice”. I stopped because I believe I should know how to handle any situation. One afternoon she suddenly declares that some guests are coming to talk to me with the intention to consider me as their future daughter-in-law. I was stunned by the suddenness of the news and feel betrayed as I have never even seen the prospective groom and it is them who are coming to see me. Anyway after a lot of fight I agreed to meet them with the condition that I am not going to carry tea to them and will tell them directly what I feel even if that may cause insult to our family. Just after entering the room I told them directly that I have no intension to marry ever in my life and I am not part of this arrangement and walked slowly out of the room. It was my way of protesting against a system which supports male chauvinism. My mom stopped searching for my groom right from that moment.

After joining college I met male friends who believe that women are inferior to men and they need support to survive. I started fighting with them and branded as a feminist. In my work life I met male colleagues who believe women are better equipped to take care of household chores and they are not intelligent enough to make decisions outside home. I started avoiding them. I had boyfriends who showed chauvinism in a subtle and sophisticated way. They would wait for hours in front of movie theaters, giving me free rides but then order food for me in a restaurant without thinking that I may want to order something else. Naturally I broke up with them believing I will find someone who is a true feminist!

Then I met a man who thinks women can do everything which men can do, additionally women can grow a baby inside them. I was impressed by his understanding of righteousness, balance in thinking and sense of justice. I decided to marry him not because I was in love but I was confident that I can spend the rest of my life with him because he can be my soul-mate. The reality struck on the day of marriage. We had a Hindu ceremony as my in-laws believe as that’s the only way to get married. The entire Sanskrit chants (a language which I don’t understand at all) about the vows of marriage are for the groom as if I am a child with no responsibility in the marriage. Then my first visit to his ancestral home in a small town was another shock. I was made to do several rituals which had no meaning to me and torturous for a newlywed who travelled 6 hours in a car through perilous roads. Welcome to the world of real India where the male chauvinism is conserved and supported by women. I met my in-laws before marriage and they seemed to be extremely good people only a bit traditional. But I see a different picture of them in their own world; they are ritualistic orthodox Hindus who believe in all the curses of Hinduism from untouchability to male chauvinism. That day when my husband got a few minutes for me he told me to tolerate it for one more day as we are not going to stay with them. I had no other option but just to go with the flow as I want to give a chance to my new life. The few days we stayed there was a mixed experience which I don’t recall exactly after so many years. After that I stayed few more times with them and enjoyed being with the large family made up of a variety of people. In fact I had a liking for one of my sister-in-laws who is a school teacher and intelligent and how she is using the system in her favor. I had nice time with my father-in-law even being mentally weak, selfish and orthodox who never want to question the authority but had a golden heart which cries for all the evils around. On the other hand my mother-in-law who has seen a lot and a victim of the system which resulted her into a confused and unsecured person. When my FIL says the tea is cold or the food she prepared should have a thicker consistency, she showed embarrassment as if it is her duty to cater to all his needs without making any mistake. She is surprised to see my husband doing household chores that men in the family also work! But the paradox is even after being victimized she does not want to protest by saying that’s enough. She prefers to spend the rest of the life in a cocoon which gives the false sense of safety and don’t want to take charge of her destiny. I truly failed to understand her actions with my life experience.

My actual lesson for life starts once I started living in Europe and America. I realized for the first time that women truly can do EVERYTHING. I realized that even I have some prejudice as sometimes I feel bad for not being the perfect Indian wife or daughter. I had to overcome the occasional bad feelings I get when I refused to do things as per my husband's choice just because I don’t like doing that. I learned that there is no need for me to feel bad about doing things imperfectly. Now I try to stick to my own philosophy that - make yourself happy and you can make everyone around you happy as well. Even then I sometimes remain clueless to handle the chauvinism when my everyday hard work in cooking remains unappreciated by the people for whom I am taking this effort, just because as a woman I am supposed to cook. I failed to understand why people shows so much resistance in changing the existing wrongs which has far-reaching consequences. I think by choosing their own partner is the first step which all Indian women should take to change this mind-set. This will give them the confidence that they are capable to take decisions and is responsible for that. Beside, as we cannot choose our parents, by selecting the right partner will help making a home for the future generation which will provide a free and balanced environment believing in equal respect to men and women. 

Most obvious conflict

                     After a long time I was going to stay with my in-laws and that also in my own den. At the beginning I was apprehensive and to some extent scared. It is really unbelievable that anything can scare me. But I was scared of the unknown territory my in-laws belong to. The illogical views which are not supported by facts but rather intuition and total submission to age old traditions. I had a discussion with my knowledgeable hubby for some advice. After a long talk the only thing that comes out is that- be sensitive to them as you don't expect them to change nor it is your job to change them. Really? This is not the general advice from my hubby in other situations then why NOW. Naturally I was not happy with the suggestion as I judge things only with logic based on facts & figures. Then I decided to go with the flow. 
They arrived and as suggested by my instinct(hubby as well) I was dressed casual in western standard not wearing any bit of Indian traditional wife but not overdoing anything. They came and accept me as I am. My first surprise submerged into the understanding that they are too tired to notice anything. The days goes into nights and not a single word from them regarding what to and what not to wear. I was never overdoing anything but just modestly dressed in Western context. I made my decision that I will do my best to make them as comfortable as possible as they are so acceptable to me.

The biggest surprise was my mother-in-law, I get the first glimpse of the ever curious, intelligent girl who was just waiting to open her wings. She was doing things which she may always wished in her heart, walking, trekking (yes trekking), hiking always with a smile and no complaint. Enjoying everything around her, relishing the new taste of food and the society around her. She was like a bloating paper trying to absorb as much as possible. The happiness in her eyes was so obvious. I feel pity realizing how willingly she has been waiting for this day. 
On the other hand was my father-in-law, with his passive aggression against all the changes around him. First thing was food, due to lack of proper Indian food during our stay in a rest house in a forest he fainted and missed a nice trip to a cavern. Once back home he was not happy with the Indian food I was preparing which is mostly baked and with very less oil. He was asking my MIL to cook things according to his choice. He was never demanding but just asking is enough of an order for my MIL. Here I get a glimpse of the patriarchal Indian society in my den for the first time. It is expected that my MIL will serve the glass of water, food, tea everything to my FIL. He will not eat form anybody else's dish but it is expected we will eat his unfinished food. I saw the insecurity in my MIL for the first time when she said the only goal for her life is to take care of my FIL and she cannot behave like me as not economically independent as I am. She is willingly or unwillingly supporting all the whims of my FIL, eating the left out while keeping best cuts for him, serving tea/water as many times as he wants make him comfortable in every possible way. Whenever we tried to confront (my hubby supported me so much and always) he will remain numb and put his head down showing I don't want to fight but I WILL NOT DO IT. 


But in all we were all having a good time as they both are very good people at heart and the conflicts were concentrated on the difference in views we have on life. I tried to believe that the society they live in is good for both. FIL is getting service from MIL by taking care of the economic requirement and MIL is giving back to him catering to his needs of everyday life. On the other hand me and my husband are both equally responsible to take care of the family and the financial side. We share everyday jobs as much equally possible and also face the outside world. The thing which bothers me is that my MIL makes every attempt to keep my FIL happy and comfortable at all time but the other way is not true. He never supported her when she had problem adjusting with her in-laws nor he bothers about the things which make her happy. In that sense he is extremely selfish and only concerned about his happiness. I was really surprised by this behavior from this otherwise good-at-heart human being. I am not sure whether this is because of the society they live in or is just what  he is. 
Another thing which is clearly out-of-balance is that all the responsibilities and consequences for being an ideal wife is on my MIL while FIL can get away with anything since he is earning. The paradox is he does not think the same way about me even though I take care of the financial responsibility in our household at this moment. To me this is a double standard distorted view which is supported by my MIL as well. I have been in a situation like her before when I was without a job but I was making decisions in all matters outside or inside home and never serving my hubby like the way she serves. Since she has not fought to express her desires or opinions the problem persists and I still need to fight for my rights to be considered as a equal human being as a man 30 years down the lane. 
Sometimes I really get confused about which is more important. The personal freedom and the independence which I enjoy along with all the responsibilities OR the happy but mundane life of watching TV serials & movies at the cost of being a docile subservient Indian wife. I feel this is the nature of a human being to be always safe and how we achieve it is depends on our personalities. I am safe when I am in charge of my things and ready to face consequences of my decisions to prove that I am equal. While my MIL enjoys the safety of the home environment at the cost of being considered the weaker sex. 
But there is a problem here. Me and my hubby are more of friends and we know it very well that we are together by choice as we both are independent enough to live a life of our own at any point. This is not true for my in-laws, as their relationship is based on an unequal status hence they try their best making each one dependent on another. Due to their insecurities they both make sure that the other partner don't have any clue of his/her work and in turn make the other partner completely dependent. This has several far reaching consequences and one of the worst is the social impact on average women living in that society. 


Men being the physically stronger will always try to make things better for them if women don't counteract them with wit. The best way to get wise is through proper education to be able to question things happening around them.   I have seen a trend in my in-laws that they don't question things which are there over centuries or told by some elder or because they just follow that in India. As a result they also make comments like - the room is cold because there is no air circulation and hence having pain in my back. I have no clue how this conclusion is made as the room has air vents & back pain is not always due to cold. To me the person makes that statement as he/she does not like the temperature of the room and he/she has some back pain. He/she just relate the two in a way so that he/she can avoid being in that room. The point is it is easy to justify things you want wrongly if you can remove logical thinking. In the case of my MIL, she has been imbibed on her, a sense of guilt by not catering to FIL while FIL has no guilt of considering MIL as a his care giver for life. As a result they both lost the chance to live forever with a friend other than the fact that they are supporting a distorted system. The girl they are raising or choosing for their sons as bride belong to the same mentality and hence the trend continues. My only attempt is to break the thread and hence make some impact in our rotten society which has several other social evils generated out of this. I am trying as I believe it is easier to introduce things through them as they are good human being and may in turn implement in their society than just not to forget this stay as a nightmare. 

Stoning of Soraya M

I watched two movies in the recent past which dealt with two different present day problems. The first movie is ‘Stoning of Soraya M’ is extremely bold and emotionally disturbing. I am unable to express in words my emotional state after watching it. Some of the scenes are so bold and true and violent that I had to fast forward them. The movie is from a real life story happened in a village in Iran in 1986 after the Shah was overthrown and Islamists take over the country - where a young woman was stoned to death by her husband, father, sons and neighbors and extended families. Her abusive husband of 20 years plotted with the village head clergy and Mayor to kill her by stoning accusing her of trying to seduce another man. The only fault of that woman was that she decided against divorcing her husband which would result to death by starvation along with her two daughters. The story was licked to the world by her extremely courageous aunt to a French journalist. I think the movie is not about infidelity of a woman and how she is punished as per religion; it is more about the violence and the wrong utilization of power against the helpless ones. The main intension of the movie is to let the world know about the fate of unfortunate, powerless and innocent people whose only intent is to have faith in God and lead a simple life. The details of the stoning scenes along with the heart wrenching dialogues make the movie a must see. At the end definitely viewers will not support death by stoning even for a hard-core criminal and definitely question themselves about their ability to stop these happenings in certain part of the world. The movie is successful in conveying its intensions.

The second movie is ‘Peepli Live’ – it is about death of farmers and the role of media, government and religion. This movie is more about depicting the problem rather than solving it. The movie touched the heart even though I expected a solution from the movie makers as the movie is about something we all know but desperately need a solution. For ages almost all Indian movies are crafted around the evil politicians, worthless journalists and the poor Indians as victims. But the essence of the movie is how aptly it captured the recent spurge in the number of suicides among farmers and how that result in migration of farmers to cities for survival. In fact the movie reached its target when the Anglicized agricultural minister himself is citing Industrialization as a solution to stop this. It blankly showed how today's education is useless in resolving actual problem and make mediocre people rise to a position unfit for him. An agricultural minister of one of the largest democracy cannot even think about the long term effect of migration of farming lands to industrialization. We need farmlands to feed us and then only can enjoy the material life provided by high-risers or ac car. Considering the fact that few directors have the guts to show it in such a bold but matter of fact way I give kudos to this movie. I also liked the depiction of the fortunate few who behave naïvely and discuss the problem with a cup of expensive tea. The best part of the movie is the question by the young journalist – Why Nathu is so important, when there are several more farmers in the same village who are dying or already dead? The movie made us think that we should question our ability to resolve issues around us, concentrating less on our demands and futile achievements.

new trends in Indian cinema

In the last few days I watched some new Indian films by young directors. They all have a nice trend; fresh in ideas, practical, strong and unpretentious. I liked the fact that they strung the right chord and give a huge leap in the true direction. I have quite a big list but some I want to mention are ‘Bhejafry’, ‘Wake Up Sid’, ‘Luck by Chance’ and especially in the context ‘Mixed Doubles’, ‘Dev D’ and ‘Love Sex & Dhoka’. I think the last three movies are phenomenon in Indian cinema just for the naked portrayal of truth, which Hollywood has for reasonably long period now. Just for information Hollywood is considered quite novice in handling truth compared to European movies. I liked the movies just for the way they are presented, considered quiet bold in Indian perspective.
I have been wondering since my adulthood (which surprisingly came very late at the age of 23) few characteristics about Indians. We are extremely hypocritical about some of our most obvious feelings and feel great about it. We believe that love making is crime and even thinking about it is extremely bad. If there is a foreign movie which shows the natural instincts we avoid watching with other adult family members. It was tough to match it with my own feelings and scientific discoveries. As per several studies 90% of man’s brain is occupied by sex and for women it is about 50%, considering the occasional 0% periods.
This is also considered a sin even accepting the fact that this is natural to be physically attracted to people other than ones current partner in life. In fact this should be a subject of research how can two people stay together for 30-40 years and never get attracted by anybody.
By this I didn’t mean to say that we should start showing interest in any ABC we meet and break our marriage just like West. I intentionally said this, as a big chunk of my Indian friends will make conclusions like this after reading so far of my writing. First of all in the west 90% of the marriages break because they don’t want to compromise anything which is less than 100%. This is because they are raised in such a way that they start solving their own problems from a very young age and so grew up to be extremely independent. In fact I don’t like this mentality but I understand the fact, that being independent give the natural confidence to not to compromise at all. Secondly, marriage or being in a relationship means that we have some obligations which prohibit us from making decisions which affect two or more people. We do trade-offs with our life and marriage is no exception. If the happiness received being in the marriage is more than being single we stay in the marriage/relationship and that should be the only reason for staying in ANY relationship. So, if the marriage/relationship is strong it is difficult to break and those difficult situations make the bond even stronger.
In India we want to stop things to happen in life by not experiencing it. I don’t think we judge us truly by suppressing our feelings. It comes out in one form or other. The most common outcome in India is public harassing of women which is unimaginable in any developed country. The unfulfilled sex life also causes lots of frictions inside the marriage between the partners, which come out in other forms due to lack of understanding between the partners. I like one theory regarding this by a Bengali writer – Budhadev Guha- according to him, his father’s excessive fondness for food comes from that fact that he lacked the proper external expression of his other desires, which considered sin. If we accept this as a natural instinct (which IT IS) and allow us the maturity to accept that, life would be so much easier.
The hypocrisy is also extended to drinking alcohol. Even after so many studies relating drinking red wine and good health, in India drinking is still considered as an evil. Personally I feel drinking allows us to stop our brain for some time and take away all our inhibitions and give a nice happy feeling. Definitely addiction and too much of anything is bad, like too much rice and lack of exercise makes one diabetic.

I am really thankful to these young directors who have the courage and the spirit to cause the revolution in Indian especially in Hindi movie.

Mother

This week is Mother’s Day. Being a new mom and a first time mom as well, Mother’s Day suddenly is interesting to me. I don’t believe in these days (including Valentine’s Day), but this one triggers me to write a few lines about being mom. It took me lot of time to decide about the title of my writing. Will it be ‘Transformation of a Woman to a Mother’ or ‘Fulfillment of Womanhood’ or ‘Motherhood’ or’ Greatest Women right’. Ultimately I decided on ‘Mother’. When I was a kid I read ‘Mother’ by Maxim Gorky. I didn’t understand it much that time but I enjoyed reading it. Today when I want to write about ‘Motherhood’ I wish I can read the book once more. So, I ordered it in the local library, but I have to wait for some time to get the book. I don’t want to wait for so long and started my own version of ‘Mother’.


Since my childhood, motherhood was never appealing to me. When some of my friends were discussing about dolls and about how they would love to get married and have children, I would think why do I have to get married and to have children. Why can’t I do something else like a writer or a teacher or may be a bus conductor. When my mother would scold me for not keeping the rooms clean and not helping her in the household work, she would always mention that I will be a failure as a housewife. So, my father should make some alternate arrangement for me, as I am such a misfit in this society. I don’t blame her for that because she was never taught to think beyond what the society expect from a woman. Nobody taught me either but as I started reading books from a very early stage (I don’t remember when did I read the first book), my world was far beyond the lanes and by-lanes of Kolkata. Novels like ‘Amphibian Man’, ‘All Quiet in the Western Front’, ‘Farewell to Arms’, ‘Count Dracula’ were my favorite, since I started understanding full sentences in English. I read and re-read these books more than any of my text books ever in my life. So, the influences of these books were extreme on me and I loved to be in my own world where there is war, love & heart-breaks, scientific wonders - in a word a true but imperfect world. The age when kids (especially girls) read fairy tales I got pleasure from these books. All these books have taught me two things. First- the world is not as perfect as depicted in a fairy tale. Second- if you are different and a misfit in the society, there is a pain associated with it. So, from childhood I knew I have to choose between, being a perfect woman and go by all the rules set by society, or I should make my own life. I was aware that the path I am going to choose (not to be a WOMAN) will be tough and with lots of hurdles.


So, ultimately when I become a mother in my mid thirties (which is too late in any standard) it was a life changing event for me. I was happy being married for 7 years and not being a mother. As I am out of the country and away from all my relatives and in-laws I was easily withstanding the pressure. I never liked kids (except a few closed ones) and never want to take the hassle of raising any of my own. But then suddenly I felt that what the heck of being a mom, let’s try it. So, we decided to be parents. I hate the 9 months of my pregnancy; it’s the worst phase in my life. Then the 36 hours of labor and pushing and the inconsolable pain associated with it. When ultimately the baby comes out I was too exhausted to even look at it. I was not even interested to know how he looks like. I was experiencing excruciating pain till then and was given sleeping pills. After a nice whole night sleep, the next morning I was fresh enough to hold the baby for the first time. When nurse hand him over to me he looked at me with his big beautiful eyes and smiled. The smile that can melt snow from thousand glaciers and flood the heart of even the cruelest of the moms. I felt for the first time- what it meant by love at first sight. I was swayed away by him and everything else in this world was insignificant to me. I am transformed into a new person. The transformation that started that day (20th July 2008 to be precise) is still going on.


The first thing that changed in my life is my schedule. The initial few weeks fly off in understanding the baby and how to cater to his wants. Then when I started understanding his cues the next phase that comes is to cater to his whims. When I joined work and he started going to day care I thought I will have some time for me. I was so naïve. I worry about him even when I am working and he is in the day care. So, even when I am away from him I am thinking about him. Currently my day start at 6 o’clock. Till the time I get out of the house at 7.30, I am running up and down 1000 times and preparing him and his food for his day in the day-care. Between the times, I leave him in the day care and pick up, is the only me-time I have. Even in that period, I make phone calls to his doctor’s office to confirm an appointment, enquire about some unpaid doctor’s bills, or call the nurse for some advice on his recent toothache or food habit, or going through the internet to get some valuable data (read junk) on the age appropriate developmental milestones. If nothing else then complete my groceries as I cannot do it while going back home, as he is tired and need dinner and bath as soon as possible. So, at the end of the day when he is asleep and I am done with all cleaning of his bottles/spoons/boxes, I look at the clock and its 10.30pm already. Then I drop dead in to bed and get up three times in the middle of the night as he is crying for milk or wants a diaper change. Then another morning comes and I look at his vulnerable face in deep sleep, it gives me all the energy to be ready to face the world and put him before me in everything.


With all this said and feeling great to be a mother, does not mean I will protect him from all the wrongs he will do. When he is 50 and I am on my death bed I don’t want to say: "I should have let him fail". So, when he will forget to do his homework, I will never do it for him. If he got caught shoplifting or drunk-driving, I will let him spend a night in jail. If he started smoking cocaine I will definitely tell him about the bad effects but never stop him as he should be responsible for his own life. I will be always for him whenever he needs me but I will never allow him to be my reason to be happy. Sooner I will make him independent, faster I will get my life back. I accept that it is a full time job to be a mom, but I am happy to have a career otherwise I would be frustrated and be a worse mom.


I see my success as a true mom, when my son is impermeable to his failures and unaltered by his accomplishments. I will be happy to see him as a successful human being rather than a successful man as dictated by society. I will not care if he does not have the best degree from the best university but I will care if he does not mind making money by fooling ignorant people.


I want to end this write up with a sweet note about motherhood, taking help of a quotation:
"Making the decision to have a child- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone

Three Men

Nirban (Ban) is leaving ultimately. I just left him to the airport. His flight is at 9.30 pm tonight. A chilling sense of loneliness and boredom is gripping me slowly. Is it due to my feelings of seclusion or the idea of living without him, I don’t know it yet. Right now, the feelings that I will be free and all by me, is insignificant to anything else. But at the same time I am not eagerly waiting for this separation. Sometimes I am feeling that this is required to keep the relationship always ‘fresh and interesting’. On the other hand a voice inside me is telling that it may cause a rift and we may not be together again.

Ban is currently very happy because he will be with his family and friends after such a long time. It was always tough for him to leave everybody for me and he hardly can answer his parents, how come he loved me and living with me, when we are not married. They will never understand the degree of compatibility we cherish. We are so satisfied with each other that we almost banished the rest of the humankind from our world. In these 5 years we hardly felt the need of another person. Our fights are always as interesting as our discussions and the contradictions are as passionate as the love makings. We never felt the urge to get married as we are so confident of living together without any formal bond. Now Ban wants to marry me as he thinks then I will be accepted by his family. He is going back to his parents to convince them about me. But somehow I am not very enthusiastic about it.

I know I will be happy being with Ban but I am scared of marriages. My mother married once and lived with 3 men and I have never seen my first dad. He left my mom before I was born. My mother removed all traces of my father from the house well before I was born. She does not want to put any influence of a coward man on me. She wanted me to be brave and a knowledgeable person. She tried her best to achieve that in that small village in Madison County.

I consider Jason as my father figure. He was with my mother since my birth and till I attend teen. He was a very lively and funny person. He opened my wings to the world and taught how to fly. He taught me how to ride a bicycle, do fishing, clean the garage, fix the refrigerator, change car-tire and build different houses for different types of birds. He taught me the difference between a sedan, a SUV and a truck. He is my true teacher, my friend/philosopher and guide. I still cherish the cold winter hunting trips in the mountains. The snowing and how we lost the way back home. But be brave and hide our secrets from Mom. I can never forget the fishing trips during summer and the long boat rides, the berry picking and the apple plucking. He taught me how to rescue and take care of the injured or abandoned dogs and cats. He was not rich but his heart was big.


He has given me everything which my mom never able to. She was too busy with her teaching job and maintaining the family farm and raising a kid all single handedly. Jason used to stay few miles from us in the nearby fishing village. They were fishermen by generations. But every weekend he will visit us ignoring the weather and work load. He used to call me the ‘Nightingale’, because of my horrible musical talents. According to him whenever I sing, to his ear it seems like the bird is singing.
But one day he left my mom for another woman. My best friend Casey told me several times that Jason is getting married in winter to a widow whose husband died in the war. I never believed it but never had the courage to ask Jason about it.
I still remember the night when he said he can never see me again. It was my 13th Birthday and it was winter. My mom prepared the best lamb roast and ginger bread for dinner. Jason came with a cute little puppy for me and some roses for my mom. We were having dinner then Jason suddenly hugged me and started crying. I was surprised as he always taught me to never cry in public, those are for foolish woman. My mom already knew and she said, “So you are not even coming to meet Shia?” I was hysteric seeing her calm and but burning as the candles in the table. I ran into my room and closed the door with a bang. I cried the whole night. Jason came in between to see me the last time. But I was adamant. The very next morning he got married and within a week he left for South to live with his new family.


After that my mom had few short term relations but none can replace Jason. Then I went to New York to attend college and slowly get busy with my studies and life. Twice I used to visit mom, once in summer holidays and then in Christmas. In one of my summer holidays I met Daniel Dean as my mom’s new boyfriend. He was tall and handsome with a pair of very nice and expressive eyes. He was a retired English professor from the local State University and his main interest was Plant. I was easily drawn to him because of his pragmatic attitude and sharp intelligence. He opened a new world of literature and Science to me. My thirst for reading multiplied and I spend few of my most knowledgeable summers and winters with him. But he died within 4 years due to a sudden heart-attack the month after one of my summer visits from Madison. It was like I lost him even before I know him.


I lost interest in men. These two men I had in my life were like epitome of maturity, knowledge and humanity. They both loved me like their own daughters and taught me to face the world in valiant and positive way.


So I spend a long 7 years all alone with occasional visits to mom. We were never close and now with so much physical distance it was hard to come close mentally. It is a mystery how we enjoyed the company of similar men without understanding each other. We were both lonely in our own worlds. Then in one sunny lazy but wintry morning in the weekend I met Nirban in the local coffee shop. The shop is small but sells the best coffee and blue-berry bagel in the area. So in a morning like that the shop was filled with a very noisy crowd. I was sitting on a table by the window, alone. Nirban was looking for a place to sit and may be to talk, and found me. So we shared the table and then the next 3 hours together. After that he had to leave for a photo exhibition.


Then it was everyday in the evening either in the gym or in his flat or in my flat we met and talked. Nirban has the complex mind of a matured man with a simple heart of a child. He was a professional wildlife Photographer and he worked in some documentaries for National Geographic. Like me Travel is his passion and he spends 8 months in a year outside his present home, New York. He is from a small town in Bali, Indonesia and has 3 sisters and 4 brothers. We both are nonbeliever of God and marriage. After 1 year he shifts into my flat. After that I accompanied him in all his photography trips to Africa, the place to peruse his passion and photography.


The last 5 years were significant to me as I get to know a person who can fill up the void created due to the absence of two great men in my life. I was slowly gaining back my confidence and zeal for life. After a long time I started feeling complete and happy. Nirban visited my mom and they liked each other very much. But the pressure from his family was getting slowly heavier on Nirban. His society and family was ready to accept me only as his wife but not as his partner or his friend. He proposed me to marry him several times but I could not. He tried to convince me saying that marriage will not make any difference in our way of living. We will remain as independent as we are now. But I know with marriage the competitiveness to satisfy each other will die, the satisfaction that will grow out of loss of ‘fear of losing each-other’ will kill the adventure we have in everyday life, we will become too much certain and mundane to each-other. I will lose the Nirban I love.

Ultimately he decides to visit the family, to talk to his parents and try to convince them. He will reach there tomorrow night. I am waiting for his call but enjoying this loneliness. I am getting back to myself who seemed to remain too much engulfed in Nirban and his activities. I have no regret even if he left me as I have the gallantry to face life as it is imbibed in me from my mother and fostered by these three great men in my life.

Becoming a Mother

It’s exactly after 1 year that I am again writing back to my blog. I am not surprised that I didn’t pay any attention to it. I was so much engrossed in a new aspect of my life. First it was my pregnancy and then my new baby. I am fascinated by the wonders life has given me after Arnesh is born. Everyday I am swayed by a feeling which is deeply rooted inside a mother’s heart and was so-far untouched and unfelt for me. The feeling is so new and magnificent and wild and uncontrolled that I am not only overwhelmed but amused as well. The first 2 weeks were the best as I was in a constant intoxicated phase, as if in a perennial trance. The feelings were exactly like the 10th sip from a glass of red-wine or may be like constantly drinking Margarita. I was heavily suffering from sleep deprivation as Arnesh has to be fed and cleaned every 2-3 hours even during nights. I reached a state when I could pay $1000 to take care of my baby for a night. But I could not do it as I don’t trust anybody with my baby who is so fragile and tiny and beautiful and would prefer to enjoy that instead.

At the beginning I was so much worried about this delicate marvel, how to hold and feed and clean. But like a pro he started sucking my breasts to get the nectar of life from the first day. He helped me cleaning by lifting his legs and by opening his arms to get dressed. He smelled like a fresh flower and way better than my $250 French perfume. Every time he looked at me and smile I felt like crying. I never get such a kind of love ever in my life from anybody. This is so new and natural that I forget all my logical sense to analyze it. I just remember that the beauty is so strong that it turns a ferocious lioness into a kind mother. Now I really get surprised and amused by looking at those early photographs how small he was. I don't remember that any more.

The whole process also brought some changes in my inner self as well. I am more patient and tolerant and forgiving than ever before. Sometimes I don’t even care about the rest of the world as long as he is there with me.

But I know this honeymoon is not going to be for life. Once he will be able to have his own personality he will start fighting with me. The way I fight with my parents till now. The day he will have his wings full grown he will fly off to his chosen destination and may not look once back at me. But I am not going to spoil this golden period by thinking about that. I just want to enjoy this and will treasure always as the most precious and wonderful part of my life.