Long-term Relationship

 

There have been several ups and downs and numerous bumps in the way to a successful long-term relationship. There are compromises and backlashes from a bitter misunderstanding but at the end what matter is the honey that oozes out from the wounds. The great feelings while driving back home after a bad day at work. The expectation that every sensation will always be rightly appreciated as they know you so well. The ability to share every small redundant thing with them which is so important to you for some submerged emotion attached to that.

One of the essential ingredients of a long-term relationship is mutual competitiveness. Individuals are competitive only with their equals. From that comes the mutual respect. So even when you are feeling extreme hatred towards the other your respect will hold you from making an abusive assault on your partner. Another ingredient is the feelings for each other. From that comes sharing of responsibility and liability to make each other’s life equally enchanting and enjoyable.

A long-term relationship gives you the promise that when you woke up in the morning at least one thing you feel great about is your partner and your children who are your utmost motivation for your life. Whatever you achieve in life nothing can give you more pleasure than a warm loving kiss.

In this fast life when we spend more time with unknown/half-known people through social media we should take a step back and think what are we achieving from that. Are we getting happier or becoming a victim of our own blunders? Isn’t it more important that we should do things in life not to share with others but to be happy for ourselves? Why do we need to share our personal photographs with unknown people? Why are we looking for recognition from others, is it because we are not getting attention at home? If we are looking for a long-term relation then definitely we need to change the trend. Try to spend time together by sharing the daily chores and grab every opportunity to be together with the person you love.

Life is extremely unpredictable and may cut short without giving any warning. Some small steps that is all required to make it happen like starting the day with coffee or breakfast together. After a long day enjoy a walk in the nature or exercise or swim together. Then prepare a meal and enjoy the food in a laidback way. Life is more meaningful when lived for oneself and for one’s own fulfillment. It is much worthwhile to invest time and effort on a long-term relation rather than short-term highs coming from a facebook like or share. Exploring new places are never more enjoyable when shared with someone who is enjoying it exactly the same way as you. Live life as if tomorrow will never come and enjoy what you have.

Where I will be 10 years down the lane.....

Let me first explain why I want to do this. Generally I use the country roads to come to office as I want to start the day in a laid-back way being closer to nature. Today morning while standing in the traffic I saw an old man driving a Tractor in the corn field next to the road in the freezing cold and gutsy wind. Initially I thought he must be miserable and hate to do this. Then observing him for few minutes I realized he is quite enjoying with a headphone and listening to the music. Looking at his wrinkly skin of his face I guessed his age to be in late 70’s or early 80’s. To me he is starting his day with extreme hard labor but still managed to be happy. It intrigued my mind to think about my position and my state of happiness. Then I start analyzing if I am not happy now whatever I am doing now should make me happy sometime down the lane. Logically I should be happy now or if I am not happy now then I should be doing something now which will make me happy in the future. Overall I believe I have everything to be happy, a protective and supportive husband, a healthy child and a large and helpful extended family. Still I am not as happy as I should be.

Being a Girl in India

The topic has been in my mind for quite some time but now I felt it is apt to disclose it. Another rape occurred in India and people are shouting for justice for the victim by suggesting capital punishment for the rapists. I am not surprised at all as ALL Indian women are raped several times either physically or by eyes or by words. Since my childhood I remember being touched, pushed, groped and fondled several times in the road/bus/train/cinema hall/book fair/auto rickshaw/taxi. I am one of the lucky few to be safe at home with relatives. I had friends from school who are physically or sexually abused by their relatives several times.


Now let me divulge the response I get when I disclosed my situation. I still remember I was very young studying in class-IV and travelling by train with my mother. One friendly gentleman offered me to sit by his side near the window in the crowded train. I was delighted by my luck but it was one of the worst assaults I endured considering my age. That man was pushing me with his elbow and constantly touching my invisible breasts and also pinching me in my thighs. I was too young and frightened to do anything other than showing discomfort. I endured it till the man get down a station before the last stop. Once we get down I tried to explain everything to my mom but she failed to believe me as according to her I am too young to understand what I am telling. But I must have complete understanding of it as I remember the whole incidence in full details even now and remember the man to be short and with moustache. That was just one of the innumerable ones I encountered all through my stay in India. I have been assaulted almost every time I went to any public place. I know this sound completely weird and insane to anyone who lived in a developed country or born as a lucky man in India. At the same I know each and every woman who is raised in any Indian city are nodding their head. I never lived in a village but definitely can swear that the situation is worse. My deduction is from the mere fact that I was abused by strangers in presence of other adults and sometimes in front of my relatives. Also I consider myself assertive and knowledgeable enough to fight for myself. If I could not save myself so many times how can I believe that the helpless shy poor woman from a Dalit community can save herself?

Once I started showing signs of puberty my mother told me to not to wear western clothes and always carry books/bags/umbrellas as a shield. No late night and never ever go out with boys. My mom also gave me several sessions on how men had so many bad intensions and only way to protect us from assaults is by avoiding getting into any confrontation. Like everything else I stopped listening to her and did what I thought I should do.

This happened when I was working. Was trying to get into an auto rickshaw around 9-9:30 pm while returning from a relative’s house with my mom. The driver declined to take us as I refused paying the extra he demanded for the late night ride. I threatened the driver to report the incidence to Police by taking his license number. He came back (rather drive reverse), stopped the car in front of us and threatened me with dire consequences like rape. He used extremely abusive language towards me and my mother in presence of lot of other adults who were standing there to catch their own mode of transportation. Not a single one opened their mouth. To my astonishment my mother apologized to the driver for my bad behavior and scolded me for displaying such unwomanly dare devil outburst.
When I shared similar situation with my brother he would just laughed telling me being too sensitive. My point here is that Indian women are taught to protect themselves either by submission or avoidance without raising any finger against the patriarchal chauvinistic men who consider women nothing more than sex objects. From childhood we are taught to be docile and subservient to men without making men felt guilty of the heinous crime like rape.
Even now after the gang-rape in Delhi one Lady Scientist from MP mentioned in a public congregation held as a protest to the rape, she would survive if she would not fight. This is the mindset which is causing a situation where one girl is raped in every 4 seconds in India. Now my obvious question is since we are not able to stop the crime why we are not changing the trend of blaming the girls and start raising boys who consider another woman as an equal human being.

Chauvinism is ingrained in Indian society

I grew up in a home where my dad happily does household chores right from preparing food to cleaning clothes/pots & pans. He would be the one who take us to the doctor and take care of us when anybody is sick. In fact being the younger one I would get the best cut of meat, fish and sweets over my brother. I was raised to question everything around me against unquestioned obedience. One of my dad’s favorite phrase is – Age does not mean wisdom, so never give unquestioned obedience to anybody because he is elder to you. I grew up to be a rebellious independent girl who believes everything is equal for men and women.

The first blow comes from my mom who started searching for a groom for me when I am 21 years. At the beginning I argued with her and she stopped me saying “You will never get married against your wish; I am just helping you to make the right choice”. I stopped because I believe I should know how to handle any situation. One afternoon she suddenly declares that some guests are coming to talk to me with the intention to consider me as their future daughter-in-law. I was stunned by the suddenness of the news and feel betrayed as I have never even seen the prospective groom and it is them who are coming to see me. Anyway after a lot of fight I agreed to meet them with the condition that I am not going to carry tea to them and will tell them directly what I feel even if that may cause insult to our family. Just after entering the room I told them directly that I have no intension to marry ever in my life and I am not part of this arrangement and walked slowly out of the room. It was my way of protesting against a system which supports male chauvinism. My mom stopped searching for my groom right from that moment.

After joining college I met male friends who believe that women are inferior to men and they need support to survive. I started fighting with them and branded as a feminist. In my work life I met male colleagues who believe women are better equipped to take care of household chores and they are not intelligent enough to make decisions outside home. I started avoiding them. I had boyfriends who showed chauvinism in a subtle and sophisticated way. They would wait for hours in front of movie theaters, giving me free rides but then order food for me in a restaurant without thinking that I may want to order something else. Naturally I broke up with them believing I will find someone who is a true feminist!

Then I met a man who thinks women can do everything which men can do, additionally women can grow a baby inside them. I was impressed by his understanding of righteousness, balance in thinking and sense of justice. I decided to marry him not because I was in love but I was confident that I can spend the rest of my life with him because he can be my soul-mate. The reality struck on the day of marriage. We had a Hindu ceremony as my in-laws believe as that’s the only way to get married. The entire Sanskrit chants (a language which I don’t understand at all) about the vows of marriage are for the groom as if I am a child with no responsibility in the marriage. Then my first visit to his ancestral home in a small town was another shock. I was made to do several rituals which had no meaning to me and torturous for a newlywed who travelled 6 hours in a car through perilous roads. Welcome to the world of real India where the male chauvinism is conserved and supported by women. I met my in-laws before marriage and they seemed to be extremely good people only a bit traditional. But I see a different picture of them in their own world; they are ritualistic orthodox Hindus who believe in all the curses of Hinduism from untouchability to male chauvinism. That day when my husband got a few minutes for me he told me to tolerate it for one more day as we are not going to stay with them. I had no other option but just to go with the flow as I want to give a chance to my new life. The few days we stayed there was a mixed experience which I don’t recall exactly after so many years. After that I stayed few more times with them and enjoyed being with the large family made up of a variety of people. In fact I had a liking for one of my sister-in-laws who is a school teacher and intelligent and how she is using the system in her favor. I had nice time with my father-in-law even being mentally weak, selfish and orthodox who never want to question the authority but had a golden heart which cries for all the evils around. On the other hand my mother-in-law who has seen a lot and a victim of the system which resulted her into a confused and unsecured person. When my FIL says the tea is cold or the food she prepared should have a thicker consistency, she showed embarrassment as if it is her duty to cater to all his needs without making any mistake. She is surprised to see my husband doing household chores that men in the family also work! But the paradox is even after being victimized she does not want to protest by saying that’s enough. She prefers to spend the rest of the life in a cocoon which gives the false sense of safety and don’t want to take charge of her destiny. I truly failed to understand her actions with my life experience.

My actual lesson for life starts once I started living in Europe and America. I realized for the first time that women truly can do EVERYTHING. I realized that even I have some prejudice as sometimes I feel bad for not being the perfect Indian wife or daughter. I had to overcome the occasional bad feelings I get when I refused to do things as per my husband's choice just because I don’t like doing that. I learned that there is no need for me to feel bad about doing things imperfectly. Now I try to stick to my own philosophy that - make yourself happy and you can make everyone around you happy as well. Even then I sometimes remain clueless to handle the chauvinism when my everyday hard work in cooking remains unappreciated by the people for whom I am taking this effort, just because as a woman I am supposed to cook. I failed to understand why people shows so much resistance in changing the existing wrongs which has far-reaching consequences. I think by choosing their own partner is the first step which all Indian women should take to change this mind-set. This will give them the confidence that they are capable to take decisions and is responsible for that. Beside, as we cannot choose our parents, by selecting the right partner will help making a home for the future generation which will provide a free and balanced environment believing in equal respect to men and women. 

Most obvious conflict

                     After a long time I was going to stay with my in-laws and that also in my own den. At the beginning I was apprehensive and to some extent scared. It is really unbelievable that anything can scare me. But I was scared of the unknown territory my in-laws belong to. The illogical views which are not supported by facts but rather intuition and total submission to age old traditions. I had a discussion with my knowledgeable hubby for some advice. After a long talk the only thing that comes out is that- be sensitive to them as you don't expect them to change nor it is your job to change them. Really? This is not the general advice from my hubby in other situations then why NOW. Naturally I was not happy with the suggestion as I judge things only with logic based on facts & figures. Then I decided to go with the flow. 
They arrived and as suggested by my instinct(hubby as well) I was dressed casual in western standard not wearing any bit of Indian traditional wife but not overdoing anything. They came and accept me as I am. My first surprise submerged into the understanding that they are too tired to notice anything. The days goes into nights and not a single word from them regarding what to and what not to wear. I was never overdoing anything but just modestly dressed in Western context. I made my decision that I will do my best to make them as comfortable as possible as they are so acceptable to me.

The biggest surprise was my mother-in-law, I get the first glimpse of the ever curious, intelligent girl who was just waiting to open her wings. She was doing things which she may always wished in her heart, walking, trekking (yes trekking), hiking always with a smile and no complaint. Enjoying everything around her, relishing the new taste of food and the society around her. She was like a bloating paper trying to absorb as much as possible. The happiness in her eyes was so obvious. I feel pity realizing how willingly she has been waiting for this day. 
On the other hand was my father-in-law, with his passive aggression against all the changes around him. First thing was food, due to lack of proper Indian food during our stay in a rest house in a forest he fainted and missed a nice trip to a cavern. Once back home he was not happy with the Indian food I was preparing which is mostly baked and with very less oil. He was asking my MIL to cook things according to his choice. He was never demanding but just asking is enough of an order for my MIL. Here I get a glimpse of the patriarchal Indian society in my den for the first time. It is expected that my MIL will serve the glass of water, food, tea everything to my FIL. He will not eat form anybody else's dish but it is expected we will eat his unfinished food. I saw the insecurity in my MIL for the first time when she said the only goal for her life is to take care of my FIL and she cannot behave like me as not economically independent as I am. She is willingly or unwillingly supporting all the whims of my FIL, eating the left out while keeping best cuts for him, serving tea/water as many times as he wants make him comfortable in every possible way. Whenever we tried to confront (my hubby supported me so much and always) he will remain numb and put his head down showing I don't want to fight but I WILL NOT DO IT. 


But in all we were all having a good time as they both are very good people at heart and the conflicts were concentrated on the difference in views we have on life. I tried to believe that the society they live in is good for both. FIL is getting service from MIL by taking care of the economic requirement and MIL is giving back to him catering to his needs of everyday life. On the other hand me and my husband are both equally responsible to take care of the family and the financial side. We share everyday jobs as much equally possible and also face the outside world. The thing which bothers me is that my MIL makes every attempt to keep my FIL happy and comfortable at all time but the other way is not true. He never supported her when she had problem adjusting with her in-laws nor he bothers about the things which make her happy. In that sense he is extremely selfish and only concerned about his happiness. I was really surprised by this behavior from this otherwise good-at-heart human being. I am not sure whether this is because of the society they live in or is just what  he is. 
Another thing which is clearly out-of-balance is that all the responsibilities and consequences for being an ideal wife is on my MIL while FIL can get away with anything since he is earning. The paradox is he does not think the same way about me even though I take care of the financial responsibility in our household at this moment. To me this is a double standard distorted view which is supported by my MIL as well. I have been in a situation like her before when I was without a job but I was making decisions in all matters outside or inside home and never serving my hubby like the way she serves. Since she has not fought to express her desires or opinions the problem persists and I still need to fight for my rights to be considered as a equal human being as a man 30 years down the lane. 
Sometimes I really get confused about which is more important. The personal freedom and the independence which I enjoy along with all the responsibilities OR the happy but mundane life of watching TV serials & movies at the cost of being a docile subservient Indian wife. I feel this is the nature of a human being to be always safe and how we achieve it is depends on our personalities. I am safe when I am in charge of my things and ready to face consequences of my decisions to prove that I am equal. While my MIL enjoys the safety of the home environment at the cost of being considered the weaker sex. 
But there is a problem here. Me and my hubby are more of friends and we know it very well that we are together by choice as we both are independent enough to live a life of our own at any point. This is not true for my in-laws, as their relationship is based on an unequal status hence they try their best making each one dependent on another. Due to their insecurities they both make sure that the other partner don't have any clue of his/her work and in turn make the other partner completely dependent. This has several far reaching consequences and one of the worst is the social impact on average women living in that society. 


Men being the physically stronger will always try to make things better for them if women don't counteract them with wit. The best way to get wise is through proper education to be able to question things happening around them.   I have seen a trend in my in-laws that they don't question things which are there over centuries or told by some elder or because they just follow that in India. As a result they also make comments like - the room is cold because there is no air circulation and hence having pain in my back. I have no clue how this conclusion is made as the room has air vents & back pain is not always due to cold. To me the person makes that statement as he/she does not like the temperature of the room and he/she has some back pain. He/she just relate the two in a way so that he/she can avoid being in that room. The point is it is easy to justify things you want wrongly if you can remove logical thinking. In the case of my MIL, she has been imbibed on her, a sense of guilt by not catering to FIL while FIL has no guilt of considering MIL as a his care giver for life. As a result they both lost the chance to live forever with a friend other than the fact that they are supporting a distorted system. The girl they are raising or choosing for their sons as bride belong to the same mentality and hence the trend continues. My only attempt is to break the thread and hence make some impact in our rotten society which has several other social evils generated out of this. I am trying as I believe it is easier to introduce things through them as they are good human being and may in turn implement in their society than just not to forget this stay as a nightmare. 

Stoning of Soraya M

I watched two movies in the recent past which dealt with two different present day problems. The first movie is ‘Stoning of Soraya M’ is extremely bold and emotionally disturbing. I am unable to express in words my emotional state after watching it. Some of the scenes are so bold and true and violent that I had to fast forward them. The movie is from a real life story happened in a village in Iran in 1986 after the Shah was overthrown and Islamists take over the country - where a young woman was stoned to death by her husband, father, sons and neighbors and extended families. Her abusive husband of 20 years plotted with the village head clergy and Mayor to kill her by stoning accusing her of trying to seduce another man. The only fault of that woman was that she decided against divorcing her husband which would result to death by starvation along with her two daughters. The story was licked to the world by her extremely courageous aunt to a French journalist. I think the movie is not about infidelity of a woman and how she is punished as per religion; it is more about the violence and the wrong utilization of power against the helpless ones. The main intension of the movie is to let the world know about the fate of unfortunate, powerless and innocent people whose only intent is to have faith in God and lead a simple life. The details of the stoning scenes along with the heart wrenching dialogues make the movie a must see. At the end definitely viewers will not support death by stoning even for a hard-core criminal and definitely question themselves about their ability to stop these happenings in certain part of the world. The movie is successful in conveying its intensions.

The second movie is ‘Peepli Live’ – it is about death of farmers and the role of media, government and religion. This movie is more about depicting the problem rather than solving it. The movie touched the heart even though I expected a solution from the movie makers as the movie is about something we all know but desperately need a solution. For ages almost all Indian movies are crafted around the evil politicians, worthless journalists and the poor Indians as victims. But the essence of the movie is how aptly it captured the recent spurge in the number of suicides among farmers and how that result in migration of farmers to cities for survival. In fact the movie reached its target when the Anglicized agricultural minister himself is citing Industrialization as a solution to stop this. It blankly showed how today's education is useless in resolving actual problem and make mediocre people rise to a position unfit for him. An agricultural minister of one of the largest democracy cannot even think about the long term effect of migration of farming lands to industrialization. We need farmlands to feed us and then only can enjoy the material life provided by high-risers or ac car. Considering the fact that few directors have the guts to show it in such a bold but matter of fact way I give kudos to this movie. I also liked the depiction of the fortunate few who behave naïvely and discuss the problem with a cup of expensive tea. The best part of the movie is the question by the young journalist – Why Nathu is so important, when there are several more farmers in the same village who are dying or already dead? The movie made us think that we should question our ability to resolve issues around us, concentrating less on our demands and futile achievements.

new trends in Indian cinema

In the last few days I watched some new Indian films by young directors. They all have a nice trend; fresh in ideas, practical, strong and unpretentious. I liked the fact that they strung the right chord and give a huge leap in the true direction. I have quite a big list but some I want to mention are ‘Bhejafry’, ‘Wake Up Sid’, ‘Luck by Chance’ and especially in the context ‘Mixed Doubles’, ‘Dev D’ and ‘Love Sex & Dhoka’. I think the last three movies are phenomenon in Indian cinema just for the naked portrayal of truth, which Hollywood has for reasonably long period now. Just for information Hollywood is considered quite novice in handling truth compared to European movies. I liked the movies just for the way they are presented, considered quiet bold in Indian perspective.
I have been wondering since my adulthood (which surprisingly came very late at the age of 23) few characteristics about Indians. We are extremely hypocritical about some of our most obvious feelings and feel great about it. We believe that love making is crime and even thinking about it is extremely bad. If there is a foreign movie which shows the natural instincts we avoid watching with other adult family members. It was tough to match it with my own feelings and scientific discoveries. As per several studies 90% of man’s brain is occupied by sex and for women it is about 50%, considering the occasional 0% periods.
This is also considered a sin even accepting the fact that this is natural to be physically attracted to people other than ones current partner in life. In fact this should be a subject of research how can two people stay together for 30-40 years and never get attracted by anybody.
By this I didn’t mean to say that we should start showing interest in any ABC we meet and break our marriage just like West. I intentionally said this, as a big chunk of my Indian friends will make conclusions like this after reading so far of my writing. First of all in the west 90% of the marriages break because they don’t want to compromise anything which is less than 100%. This is because they are raised in such a way that they start solving their own problems from a very young age and so grew up to be extremely independent. In fact I don’t like this mentality but I understand the fact, that being independent give the natural confidence to not to compromise at all. Secondly, marriage or being in a relationship means that we have some obligations which prohibit us from making decisions which affect two or more people. We do trade-offs with our life and marriage is no exception. If the happiness received being in the marriage is more than being single we stay in the marriage/relationship and that should be the only reason for staying in ANY relationship. So, if the marriage/relationship is strong it is difficult to break and those difficult situations make the bond even stronger.
In India we want to stop things to happen in life by not experiencing it. I don’t think we judge us truly by suppressing our feelings. It comes out in one form or other. The most common outcome in India is public harassing of women which is unimaginable in any developed country. The unfulfilled sex life also causes lots of frictions inside the marriage between the partners, which come out in other forms due to lack of understanding between the partners. I like one theory regarding this by a Bengali writer – Budhadev Guha- according to him, his father’s excessive fondness for food comes from that fact that he lacked the proper external expression of his other desires, which considered sin. If we accept this as a natural instinct (which IT IS) and allow us the maturity to accept that, life would be so much easier.
The hypocrisy is also extended to drinking alcohol. Even after so many studies relating drinking red wine and good health, in India drinking is still considered as an evil. Personally I feel drinking allows us to stop our brain for some time and take away all our inhibitions and give a nice happy feeling. Definitely addiction and too much of anything is bad, like too much rice and lack of exercise makes one diabetic.

I am really thankful to these young directors who have the courage and the spirit to cause the revolution in Indian especially in Hindi movie.