Three Men

Nirban (Ban) is leaving ultimately. I just left him to the airport. His flight is at 9.30 pm tonight. A chilling sense of loneliness and boredom is gripping me slowly. Is it due to my feelings of seclusion or the idea of living without him, I don’t know it yet. Right now, the feelings that I will be free and all by me, is insignificant to anything else. But at the same time I am not eagerly waiting for this separation. Sometimes I am feeling that this is required to keep the relationship always ‘fresh and interesting’. On the other hand a voice inside me is telling that it may cause a rift and we may not be together again.

Ban is currently very happy because he will be with his family and friends after such a long time. It was always tough for him to leave everybody for me and he hardly can answer his parents, how come he loved me and living with me, when we are not married. They will never understand the degree of compatibility we cherish. We are so satisfied with each other that we almost banished the rest of the humankind from our world. In these 5 years we hardly felt the need of another person. Our fights are always as interesting as our discussions and the contradictions are as passionate as the love makings. We never felt the urge to get married as we are so confident of living together without any formal bond. Now Ban wants to marry me as he thinks then I will be accepted by his family. He is going back to his parents to convince them about me. But somehow I am not very enthusiastic about it.

I know I will be happy being with Ban but I am scared of marriages. My mother married once and lived with 3 men and I have never seen my first dad. He left my mom before I was born. My mother removed all traces of my father from the house well before I was born. She does not want to put any influence of a coward man on me. She wanted me to be brave and a knowledgeable person. She tried her best to achieve that in that small village in Madison County.

I consider Jason as my father figure. He was with my mother since my birth and till I attend teen. He was a very lively and funny person. He opened my wings to the world and taught how to fly. He taught me how to ride a bicycle, do fishing, clean the garage, fix the refrigerator, change car-tire and build different houses for different types of birds. He taught me the difference between a sedan, a SUV and a truck. He is my true teacher, my friend/philosopher and guide. I still cherish the cold winter hunting trips in the mountains. The snowing and how we lost the way back home. But be brave and hide our secrets from Mom. I can never forget the fishing trips during summer and the long boat rides, the berry picking and the apple plucking. He taught me how to rescue and take care of the injured or abandoned dogs and cats. He was not rich but his heart was big.


He has given me everything which my mom never able to. She was too busy with her teaching job and maintaining the family farm and raising a kid all single handedly. Jason used to stay few miles from us in the nearby fishing village. They were fishermen by generations. But every weekend he will visit us ignoring the weather and work load. He used to call me the ‘Nightingale’, because of my horrible musical talents. According to him whenever I sing, to his ear it seems like the bird is singing.
But one day he left my mom for another woman. My best friend Casey told me several times that Jason is getting married in winter to a widow whose husband died in the war. I never believed it but never had the courage to ask Jason about it.
I still remember the night when he said he can never see me again. It was my 13th Birthday and it was winter. My mom prepared the best lamb roast and ginger bread for dinner. Jason came with a cute little puppy for me and some roses for my mom. We were having dinner then Jason suddenly hugged me and started crying. I was surprised as he always taught me to never cry in public, those are for foolish woman. My mom already knew and she said, “So you are not even coming to meet Shia?” I was hysteric seeing her calm and but burning as the candles in the table. I ran into my room and closed the door with a bang. I cried the whole night. Jason came in between to see me the last time. But I was adamant. The very next morning he got married and within a week he left for South to live with his new family.


After that my mom had few short term relations but none can replace Jason. Then I went to New York to attend college and slowly get busy with my studies and life. Twice I used to visit mom, once in summer holidays and then in Christmas. In one of my summer holidays I met Daniel Dean as my mom’s new boyfriend. He was tall and handsome with a pair of very nice and expressive eyes. He was a retired English professor from the local State University and his main interest was Plant. I was easily drawn to him because of his pragmatic attitude and sharp intelligence. He opened a new world of literature and Science to me. My thirst for reading multiplied and I spend few of my most knowledgeable summers and winters with him. But he died within 4 years due to a sudden heart-attack the month after one of my summer visits from Madison. It was like I lost him even before I know him.


I lost interest in men. These two men I had in my life were like epitome of maturity, knowledge and humanity. They both loved me like their own daughters and taught me to face the world in valiant and positive way.


So I spend a long 7 years all alone with occasional visits to mom. We were never close and now with so much physical distance it was hard to come close mentally. It is a mystery how we enjoyed the company of similar men without understanding each other. We were both lonely in our own worlds. Then in one sunny lazy but wintry morning in the weekend I met Nirban in the local coffee shop. The shop is small but sells the best coffee and blue-berry bagel in the area. So in a morning like that the shop was filled with a very noisy crowd. I was sitting on a table by the window, alone. Nirban was looking for a place to sit and may be to talk, and found me. So we shared the table and then the next 3 hours together. After that he had to leave for a photo exhibition.


Then it was everyday in the evening either in the gym or in his flat or in my flat we met and talked. Nirban has the complex mind of a matured man with a simple heart of a child. He was a professional wildlife Photographer and he worked in some documentaries for National Geographic. Like me Travel is his passion and he spends 8 months in a year outside his present home, New York. He is from a small town in Bali, Indonesia and has 3 sisters and 4 brothers. We both are nonbeliever of God and marriage. After 1 year he shifts into my flat. After that I accompanied him in all his photography trips to Africa, the place to peruse his passion and photography.


The last 5 years were significant to me as I get to know a person who can fill up the void created due to the absence of two great men in my life. I was slowly gaining back my confidence and zeal for life. After a long time I started feeling complete and happy. Nirban visited my mom and they liked each other very much. But the pressure from his family was getting slowly heavier on Nirban. His society and family was ready to accept me only as his wife but not as his partner or his friend. He proposed me to marry him several times but I could not. He tried to convince me saying that marriage will not make any difference in our way of living. We will remain as independent as we are now. But I know with marriage the competitiveness to satisfy each other will die, the satisfaction that will grow out of loss of ‘fear of losing each-other’ will kill the adventure we have in everyday life, we will become too much certain and mundane to each-other. I will lose the Nirban I love.

Ultimately he decides to visit the family, to talk to his parents and try to convince them. He will reach there tomorrow night. I am waiting for his call but enjoying this loneliness. I am getting back to myself who seemed to remain too much engulfed in Nirban and his activities. I have no regret even if he left me as I have the gallantry to face life as it is imbibed in me from my mother and fostered by these three great men in my life.

Becoming a Mother

It’s exactly after 1 year that I am again writing back to my blog. I am not surprised that I didn’t pay any attention to it. I was so much engrossed in a new aspect of my life. First it was my pregnancy and then my new baby. I am fascinated by the wonders life has given me after Arnesh is born. Everyday I am swayed by a feeling which is deeply rooted inside a mother’s heart and was so-far untouched and unfelt for me. The feeling is so new and magnificent and wild and uncontrolled that I am not only overwhelmed but amused as well. The first 2 weeks were the best as I was in a constant intoxicated phase, as if in a perennial trance. The feelings were exactly like the 10th sip from a glass of red-wine or may be like constantly drinking Margarita. I was heavily suffering from sleep deprivation as Arnesh has to be fed and cleaned every 2-3 hours even during nights. I reached a state when I could pay $1000 to take care of my baby for a night. But I could not do it as I don’t trust anybody with my baby who is so fragile and tiny and beautiful and would prefer to enjoy that instead.

At the beginning I was so much worried about this delicate marvel, how to hold and feed and clean. But like a pro he started sucking my breasts to get the nectar of life from the first day. He helped me cleaning by lifting his legs and by opening his arms to get dressed. He smelled like a fresh flower and way better than my $250 French perfume. Every time he looked at me and smile I felt like crying. I never get such a kind of love ever in my life from anybody. This is so new and natural that I forget all my logical sense to analyze it. I just remember that the beauty is so strong that it turns a ferocious lioness into a kind mother. Now I really get surprised and amused by looking at those early photographs how small he was. I don't remember that any more.

The whole process also brought some changes in my inner self as well. I am more patient and tolerant and forgiving than ever before. Sometimes I don’t even care about the rest of the world as long as he is there with me.

But I know this honeymoon is not going to be for life. Once he will be able to have his own personality he will start fighting with me. The way I fight with my parents till now. The day he will have his wings full grown he will fly off to his chosen destination and may not look once back at me. But I am not going to spoil this golden period by thinking about that. I just want to enjoy this and will treasure always as the most precious and wonderful part of my life.

Story- Few Perceptions

We’re all so different and so diverse- in personality, and background, race and creed, perceptions and beliefs, thoughts and emotions, aspirations and wants but eventually we all come down to being human and that means we’re all the same. We have fears and dreams. Everyone wants to succeed, everyone wants to be happy. Nobody wants to suffer yet we all do. My story today is about this which helps me to make this realization.

We were on our trip to Chicago, Illinois, to attend a function at an old friend’s house. On the way we faced some weird weather of storms and rain which is seldom the occurrence during early spring. Anyway, we drove through that and reached Chicago. We were guest in our friend’s house who also expecting some other visitors from nearby states. But none could brave the weather and we had lots of food for dinner. We wake up after a short nap and the day started with a nice sunny but breezy morning.
They rented a hall which is at the roof top of the 36 storied building they stay. The room is at the 37th floor and it has an excellent view of the Michigan Lake on one side and the downtown Chicago on the other. After a short breakfast we jumped into activities to make the function a success. The jobs were distributed among few volunteered guests and we happily finished our jobs on time. Guests slowly poured in as it was a lunch invitation. Within an hour the hall was filled with people from different backgrounds and facet of life. I slowly divert my attention from the grand view of the Michigan Lake to this multifaceted population.
At the first glance it was like a village fair where each one is busy enjoying it in his/her own way. After a detailed observation I understand that there are 2 types of people, one who are the speakers and a smaller section are the listeners. Some people are known to each other the rest are completely unknown. I knew hardly anybody there so initially I was not among the speakers.
After few initial introductions I get a little close with two young ladies one from a village in Brazil and the other from a small town of Jordon. They knew each other as they studied in the same institute few years back. The Lady from Jordon is a budding Trader working in downtown. She is staying alone so far from home. She completed her under-graduation and graduation from US and she is smart and beautiful. She slowly opens up giving details of her struggles in her own country and here. She is from a very rich family but she was not allowed to study after school, being a woman. She fled Jordon with help from her mom and elder sister after getting admission in an undergrad class in Chicago. She managed few days with the money she brought from home but soon she realized she needs some job. Because of her student visa she was only eligible to do odd jobs and she started as a waitress. It was a huge learning curve for her as she never cleaned her own dirty dishes before. She managed to get enough for her food and the rented apartment she shared with 2 other girls. After her under-grad she got admitted to masters and then she started working as an apprentice in a Trading office. Her financial condition improved a bit but maintaining the studies and work was really difficult. She dropped one semester to keep her apprenticeship. Now, after 6 years of struggling she is got an employment by the Trading office and she also finished her masters with good grades.
In this long 6 years she has never traveled to her home. She only talked to her mom and sister and shared letters but no physical contact for so long. She is really eager to meet them but she will have to wait 1 more year so that she can have enough holidays to visit her family. Her dad never contacted her during this period, neither had she tried. She started believing that she never had a father. She became very poignant and confident and for that she thanked her dad. If she had a cooperative father she would have never achieved what she did today. She wants to bring her mother and sister here to show the independence the women here enjoy. The confidence is oozing out of her eyes and she is determined that she will do something for the women of her town.
The gorgeous lady from Brazil is doing Phd here and she is the first one to attend that much higher education in her family and her village. She came to US with her husband, who got a job in a car factory near Chicago. They migrated to US as they were very poor in Brazil. She looked for job and she was not choosy. But because of her dependent visa she didn’t get any. So she tried her luck in student visa and she managed that after she got the chance for a Phd in an institute. She needs to send money home, so the Phd fellowship was not enough and she takes up teaching assistance jobs. She works almost 15-17 hours a day so that her family at home can have food everyday. She also couldn’t afford to visit her parents and siblings for the last 5-6 years. She particularly misses her nephew who was only 2 months when she left. She also misses the sun and the seashore and the fun they used to have during the Brazil New year day. She remembers how nice the Lentil and Rice cooked by her mom taste on the New Year day. How she longed for the fireworks and kissing the beloved on the midnight of the N-day. While talking about Brazil she was almost there, I can see her eyes filled with such a joy.
She also wants to do something for her village, where they had only 2 primary schools and 1 high school with no college. The nearest college is 40 miles and that catered to 3 other villages. She wants to build a college so that people will not have to be away from their family in search of a decent life.
The struggles with their life make me pensive and I was looking for some fresh air. I went to the other side of the room where I find some people laughing and loudly discussing about India and its progress. When I listen to them for sometime I understand they are a group of young men discussing about the prospects of going back to India. One of them was particularly highlighting only the negative aspect of India while rests are describing the rosy side. Everybody was accepting that we have corruption, horrible work culture, bad management, pollution, water problem, lawlessness etc etc, but they all think everything is improving, else how the growth-rate is so high. They all want to highlight the insecurity of being in a foreign country.
After a longer observation I understand that none of these are forced to leave India, very contrast to the ladies I met earlier the day. For this group of young Indians, it is more money why they are here. They all had a secured job in India and a stable family. After they came here they started facing the problem like renewal of visa, green card processing etc etc. These are the biggest problems they ever faced in their protected life. They are opportunists who want to get the best of both the worlds but neither have the guts nor the ability to change the present situation. Their discussions are limited to a theoretical level and they will only migrate to India if they are forced to. They don’t even want to accept the dark sides of India as they don’t have any mindset to solve it. I was not looking for this Fresh Air. I was really sad about at the naïve, backboneless young Indians who are our Future. We all want to succeed in life but our path seldom matches. Our definition of success varies but we all call it success if we reach the goal. May be one day, we will build a world where we will be more empathetic to each other. May be we can build a world where at least majority will have enough to survive. May be then we don’t have to separate loved ones from each other. Definitely that is worth the effort and my goal is to make some contribution to it, whatever small it may be.

About Religion and Indian society

I get the inspiration to write about this after reading an article by Sir Mark Tully published in some book I picked up from the local library. In one place in the article he mentioned "if religion is taken from the mass of Indian population (where 70% live in poverty) then they are left with nothing." It touches my heart and I felt for the first time in my life that a foreigner explained it so nicely which being an Indian I failed to understand for so long.
I brought up in a Hindu Brahmin family where religion was a part of life with no pressure to exercise it. My mom used to do Puja (as per Hindu faith) at home occasionally to maintain some family traditions passed to her from my grandma. My dad was never a believer in God rather he teaches me to respect humans and animals more than God. In the school or community I attended all religious festivals when it is observed be it Christmas Or Id or a Hindu festival. Since childhood me and my brother were free of religion and always paid more attention to the food served after the Puja. We were both taught to accept things only when they are properly explained. Always question whenever there is a doubt and to never obey anything or anybody if not fully convinced.
In the school I brought up with girls from other religion but they never showed any strong faith and easily merge into the crowd. Till adulthood I never felt that we have to observe certain cautions while discussing certain aspect of certain religions. In college I remember we almost forced a Muslim friend to invite the whole batch for Id. He was not only scared to call 56 rowdy young people but simply left the college and joined another. So, religion was part of life and I accepted and tolerated each and every religion which I faced during my entire stay in kolkata.

The only time I felt the tension when there was a India-Pakistan cricket match and Pakistan won it and there was a riot in few parts of Kolkata. That was before Babri Masjid demolition. One of the regions affected by that riot was a Muslim area near my school and on my way to college. The reason for the riot was that some fans hung the Pakistani Flag and after Pakistan won they started celebrating with crackers and lights. This was a regular occurrence even before that. But this time some Hindu fans objected it and then people from a near-by very prestigious Mosque (the Tipu Sultan Masjid) came out with arms and ammunitions and attacked those Hindu fans. There was no police intervention but it was retaliated by some local Hindus (leaded mainly by bangladeshi refugees migrated during partition).
The entire city was so much in shame for those Hindu fans who protested those celebrations for Pakistan. They were tagged as Hindu fundamentalists. No one raised a voice against the illegal stacking of arms & ammunitions in a religious place and nobody called the Muslims as fundamentalists. This seemed highly illogical to me. So I asked few political leaders of our college whom I thought to be intelligent, why being a Hindu is fundamentalist. The reaction was more illogical- Muslims are famous for being orthodox, we Hindus are known for being liberal. Besides we are Communists. Millions questions came to my mind: Is being a Communist mean appeasement of minorities? Is being a Hindu means never to protest? Is being a Tolerant religion means accept the tyranny of another religion? Is being a Hindu means never to protest against the lawlessness of the society? I was really depressed because of this hypocrisy. I started questioning my belief being a liberal.
Then I started looking around and found that the entire Country is religious. The entire Country is divided on the basis of caste/creed/religion. Some people are taking advantage of it and some are mere victims.
I slowly realize that Religion is the easiest and fastest way to reach the mass. Being communist in India means to tolerate all the religions with special appeasement to Muslims as they are minorities. The reason is obvious; they are sure votes because of their illiteracy and poverty. By bribing the head priest the entire community will vote for a party. It is the easiest way to motivate people.

The other side is that God can be blamed for all the failures. People don't have to try to rectify the mistakes by showing dependence on God. They can say that the God is not happy with him and so he/she is not successful or not having a baby or not getting married or not able to adjust with the in-laws. They don't have to dig into their own self for any imperfection to be the reason for this failure.

Another point is the Priest or people at advantageous position in the religious scale can utilize the position for his own benefit. He can assure his daily bread/rice by making people believe that he is performing Puja to satisfy the God. He can use that position to control the society with his divine power. He can rape a minor girl in the name of God (this practice is still rampant in some areas of southern Indian state of Andhra Pradesh).
Religion is simply a tool in the hands of few to control the mass.
Then the question comes: Do I have to be religious to be a part of this society? The answer is NO. Being religious to me means a man without his inner strength. It means I am no longer capable of thinking rationally and sanely. I am just a slave of something non-existent and blaming that for all my failures. Other than Human no other living being believe in God. I really wonder are we truly intelligent species Or are we dumber than an insect.
I will only start believing in God when any or all of the above will be true for me.

Why blogging ?

It is not that just one fine morning I wake up and decide I should start blogging. This is a conscious effort and will try my best to keep it updated and maintain regularly.

I have few objectives behind this blogging. The first and foremost is to inform the world about my views and this is FREE. Sometimes I really feel so much frustrated with the way the world is been controlled by some greedy selfish mediocre hypocritical morons. My feeble attempt will be to express myself against them as I consider myself none of the above.

The second reason is to keep trying my creative mind.
The third is to express some of the personal moments or grievances or expressions with known/unknown people.
I can keep on writing about my reasons but I this is OK for the time being.